Self Defense

Last night I got my ass handed to me in sparring. That's right, I got beat up by a 14 year old. He is 3 belts ahead of me and light years faster and I just didn't have it in me. It was all I could to do to stay upright and finish the round, but I did it and I actually feel better today. Maybe it just took someone else kicking my ass to realize how badly I've been beating myself up all week. I have been in a bad way, mired in this repetitive self abusive loop of negative thoughts blaring in my head "What are you doing with your life?" "Why are you still in that stupid job?" "You should have finished your book 10 years ago" and just generally " R, YOU SUCK! GET IT TOGETHER!" After the first roundhouse kick to my chest protector, something snapped in me. All those other voices shut up and there was only one voice left saying "Defend yourself. Don't let this kid kick your ass, block, punch, kick. "

Afterwards, I was supposed to go to the U2 movie at the IMAX with Shoshana, my friend voted most likely to move to Ireland to follow Bono around. :) .The movie wasn't playing, so we ended going back to her place for mochi and wine. I told her how I was feeling and what I've been thinking and she looked straight at me and said it was gift. Her theory is that I am given the gift to process and to go through these dark moments so that at some later date, I will be stronger and more prepared for even more challenging things to come.

If this is true, I would like to return this gift to the Universe. Please take it back. I am strong and full of character and have processed a hell of a lot already. I don't want to go through this anymore. I am done. No, I don't have it together, I haven't finished my book, or my play or that collection of short stories and poetry. I never converted my capstone into articles. I do still intensely dislike my primary job, but I just can't feel bad about it like I have been. It's getting me nowhere. This job may suck, but it's easy and it pays for my insurance. And as my mom points out, I've been pretty busy traveling and getting degrees and stuff...that's a lot of time away from writing books. Part of me feels like these are lame excuses, but the rest of me is ready to defend myself from myself.

I am ready for second, third, and fourth chances to get things right. On the night I found out Sue had passed away, Shoshana and I held our own private vigil for her. We said prayers and watched the sun set over the lake. Then at her insistence, we walked over to my taekwondo dojang and I was awarded my blue stripe. Since then it has been hard for me to go there. I took a few weeks off, but this week I have started going regularly again. It's hard.

At the beginning of each belt, there are so many new techniques to learn. And even the old techniques must be perfected and corrected. Sometimes I just want to walk away, but then I look at the new white belts coming in. They are awkward. They are just learning proper stances and how to block and punch and they make a lot of mistakes. That's exactly how it was for me, constantly messing up. I felt embarrassed. And now, I still mess up, but I am able to mark my progress. I can break boards. I can occassionaly stick my turning side kicks during sparring. My roundhouse kicks is are solid. I have learned so much in just over a year. Maybe that's the trick, you try something new, you mess it up, you try it again and again, and eventually you can get it right. Maybe that's the whole point and if I just keep trying to be a better person and lead my life with integrity, I'll get there, but for now I am just at the beginning. I'm doing better than before, but it's all a journey.