Most days I try to wake up a few minutes earlier than absolutely necessary and I lay there staring at my vision board. It is the first and last thing I look at everyday. Sometimes I pick a specific section to focus on. This week, I am slamming, so I focus on seeing myself as someone with a powerful voice and strong writing, but I have also been really drawn into the right side of my board, which is the spirit and illumination side. It is probably the least wordy part of the board and has these gorgeous pictures of stars and lanterns for illumination and wonder. I want to know God. I want to learn how to make my mind quiet and to rediscover the faith that used to come so easily to me, so what better time than Easter to reconnect with my spiritual life.
I was raised in the Episcopal Church, one of the few things my parents absolutely agreed upon. Though I don't really go that much anymore, there is still some part of me that resonates with that way of thinking. Through my journey as an Episcopalian I have learned not only to believe, but to question and examine my beliefs. We are a religion of loving skeptics. We want to believe, but we also want it to make sense. One of the most famous Episcopalians, was a bishop by the name of Shelby Spong, who wrote a series of controversial books about why Christianity must change or die. He talked about Jesus as a man and how he most likely had not only brothers and sisters, but a wife...also named Mary. Many people called him a heretic. He received death threats and hate mail from people who said he wasn't a Christian, but Bishop Spong viewed himself as an agent of change. He never strived to tread on middle ground, but rather chose to be a radical... to be so far left that he effectively moved the center. He is one of the only reason I can still even consider myself a Christian, albeit a Christian who doesn't believe in heaven and hell, other than in the context of the realities we create here on earth, and a Christian who doesn't believe that there is only one path to God.
I am a lazy Christian though. I pray, but never enough. I give thanks, but never enough. So I felt a little guilty about going to church this Easter. I didn't even celebrate lent this year, but I went anyway at the invitation of Shoshana, who attends an interfaith church. I have been to this church several times and have been toying with making it my new spiritual home, but there are two things that have stopped me. One is that it is really a pain to get to on Sunday mornings. I have to take 2-3 buses and they don't match up, so that's about an hour and a half one way to a place that would take 16 minutes to get to by car (according to map quest). The other, more substantive reason is harder to admit. It's about my anger.
During grad school, a process akin to taking a potato peeler and skinning any vulnerable part of me and then dousing them in rubbing alcohol, I discovered within me a deep dark well of anger towards white people. I don't think it's rare. In fact, I can't think of a single friend of mine who is of color and grew up in this country, who hasn't confided similar feelings to me. I am not crazy anymore like I was during grad school, but I have also not worked through all of these issues. Truthfully I am not sure if I can work through all these issues...maybe my goal is to at least be at peace. My anger is not at specific people, it's more about privilege. I get angry when I feel like people are taking liberties. I often meet white people who try to touch my hair...I mean strangers on the street...COME ON! I have a personal space bubble and God only knows where there hands have been. Or I meet the people who are so happy that I'm black and want me to tell them all about it...again strangers...I have a bubble. I have boundaries and I want them respected. It's not about being unfriendly, it's about wanting the option of whether or not I get to choose to engage.
God is very personal to me. I used to enjoy going to church, but my churches have mostly been populated with very talkative, old, white people. These people are lovely, but sometimes when I am praying, I have some very personal emotions, and it has become more and more difficult for me to feel comfortable praying in this kind of venue. I don't want to chit chat. I don't want to hug strangers. I don't want to talk to them about why I need to pray or what I'm praying for. I mostly just want to be left alone at church, which is a huge difference from how I grew up. I used to be a part of a church community. We shared meals and had relationships with one another, but as I get older, I just don't have it in me. The solitude of meditation is very appealing, but I have a monkey mind and it does help me to go somewhere to pray. But then I begin to feel like a bad Christian because I can't turn off my anger which manifest itself a standoffish outer shell and a need to leave church a few minutes early to insure no one invites me for pancakes afterwards. I want to pray about it and talk about it, but how can I do that with people who inadvertently trigger me. I have visited some black churches, but find the majority of them to be too patriarchal for my feminist sensibilities. They are also very time consuming and far from where I live. Another Episcopalian value is that church doesn't have to be much longer than an hour. You will never be there for 4 or 5 hours such as some Baptist churches.
I have been looking for a place to worship that has a diverse population, that is consistent with my beliefs, someplace where I can meditate on a provocative message and that has good music (something you rarely get in the Episcopal Church). Shoshana's church is as close as I've gotten in Seattle. Shoshana is white. I love her and because we are close friends I feel comfortable worshipping with her, but when we got Easter, and the other people started pouring in around us, I got uncomfortable. There was this lady next to me who wanted to chat and ask me questions. I had just finished mediating in silence for a half and hour and I just wanted to sit and listen to the music. In the end, I humored her, but I was irritated.
The service in general was pretty amazing. I felt inspired, the music was superb, and the message of the day was all about rising, choosing to rise, choosing to make a new beginning. I want to do that. I'm just not quite sure how yet. I am interested in trying out this church, but hesitant. Is there a way to open myself up to God and find a new spiritual home without having to be vulnerable in public and without having to engage (until I'm ready) with other people probably doing the same thing? Or should I just try to be more disciplined and learn to meditate at home? I pray for simplicity. I pray for my anger and negative feelings to dissipate. In the meantime I will take this space to feel how I feel.
I was raised in the Episcopal Church, one of the few things my parents absolutely agreed upon. Though I don't really go that much anymore, there is still some part of me that resonates with that way of thinking. Through my journey as an Episcopalian I have learned not only to believe, but to question and examine my beliefs. We are a religion of loving skeptics. We want to believe, but we also want it to make sense. One of the most famous Episcopalians, was a bishop by the name of Shelby Spong, who wrote a series of controversial books about why Christianity must change or die. He talked about Jesus as a man and how he most likely had not only brothers and sisters, but a wife...also named Mary. Many people called him a heretic. He received death threats and hate mail from people who said he wasn't a Christian, but Bishop Spong viewed himself as an agent of change. He never strived to tread on middle ground, but rather chose to be a radical... to be so far left that he effectively moved the center. He is one of the only reason I can still even consider myself a Christian, albeit a Christian who doesn't believe in heaven and hell, other than in the context of the realities we create here on earth, and a Christian who doesn't believe that there is only one path to God.
I am a lazy Christian though. I pray, but never enough. I give thanks, but never enough. So I felt a little guilty about going to church this Easter. I didn't even celebrate lent this year, but I went anyway at the invitation of Shoshana, who attends an interfaith church. I have been to this church several times and have been toying with making it my new spiritual home, but there are two things that have stopped me. One is that it is really a pain to get to on Sunday mornings. I have to take 2-3 buses and they don't match up, so that's about an hour and a half one way to a place that would take 16 minutes to get to by car (according to map quest). The other, more substantive reason is harder to admit. It's about my anger.
During grad school, a process akin to taking a potato peeler and skinning any vulnerable part of me and then dousing them in rubbing alcohol, I discovered within me a deep dark well of anger towards white people. I don't think it's rare. In fact, I can't think of a single friend of mine who is of color and grew up in this country, who hasn't confided similar feelings to me. I am not crazy anymore like I was during grad school, but I have also not worked through all of these issues. Truthfully I am not sure if I can work through all these issues...maybe my goal is to at least be at peace. My anger is not at specific people, it's more about privilege. I get angry when I feel like people are taking liberties. I often meet white people who try to touch my hair...I mean strangers on the street...COME ON! I have a personal space bubble and God only knows where there hands have been. Or I meet the people who are so happy that I'm black and want me to tell them all about it...again strangers...I have a bubble. I have boundaries and I want them respected. It's not about being unfriendly, it's about wanting the option of whether or not I get to choose to engage.
God is very personal to me. I used to enjoy going to church, but my churches have mostly been populated with very talkative, old, white people. These people are lovely, but sometimes when I am praying, I have some very personal emotions, and it has become more and more difficult for me to feel comfortable praying in this kind of venue. I don't want to chit chat. I don't want to hug strangers. I don't want to talk to them about why I need to pray or what I'm praying for. I mostly just want to be left alone at church, which is a huge difference from how I grew up. I used to be a part of a church community. We shared meals and had relationships with one another, but as I get older, I just don't have it in me. The solitude of meditation is very appealing, but I have a monkey mind and it does help me to go somewhere to pray. But then I begin to feel like a bad Christian because I can't turn off my anger which manifest itself a standoffish outer shell and a need to leave church a few minutes early to insure no one invites me for pancakes afterwards. I want to pray about it and talk about it, but how can I do that with people who inadvertently trigger me. I have visited some black churches, but find the majority of them to be too patriarchal for my feminist sensibilities. They are also very time consuming and far from where I live. Another Episcopalian value is that church doesn't have to be much longer than an hour. You will never be there for 4 or 5 hours such as some Baptist churches.
I have been looking for a place to worship that has a diverse population, that is consistent with my beliefs, someplace where I can meditate on a provocative message and that has good music (something you rarely get in the Episcopal Church). Shoshana's church is as close as I've gotten in Seattle. Shoshana is white. I love her and because we are close friends I feel comfortable worshipping with her, but when we got Easter, and the other people started pouring in around us, I got uncomfortable. There was this lady next to me who wanted to chat and ask me questions. I had just finished mediating in silence for a half and hour and I just wanted to sit and listen to the music. In the end, I humored her, but I was irritated.
The service in general was pretty amazing. I felt inspired, the music was superb, and the message of the day was all about rising, choosing to rise, choosing to make a new beginning. I want to do that. I'm just not quite sure how yet. I am interested in trying out this church, but hesitant. Is there a way to open myself up to God and find a new spiritual home without having to be vulnerable in public and without having to engage (until I'm ready) with other people probably doing the same thing? Or should I just try to be more disciplined and learn to meditate at home? I pray for simplicity. I pray for my anger and negative feelings to dissipate. In the meantime I will take this space to feel how I feel.
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