Even when I was little, I was clear on who I was and what I wanted...in more than just the way that children memorize the spelling of their own names or latch onto whatever profession their parents are...I just knew. Even before I could read, I told my mom I wanted to be a writer. She used to read to me, hoping to encourage me to learn to read myself, but in my head it was enough that she knew how to read. We were communal. She shared her ability to read with me, so I didn't feel like I really needed to know, but when she told me that learning to read was a prerequisite to being a writer, I learned. It was that simple...and in a way it has been that simple for me throughout my life. When I decide I am interested in doing something, I find out what it takes and then I go do it.
But now, two years from 30, everything seems so much more complicated. I still know who I am, and I have some rough ideas on what I want, but I'm beginning to question if what I want will make me happy. S points out that after losing Sue, maybe now isn't the best time to be asking these big life questions, but I can't help it. I'm impatient. I often have this feeling like there is something I am supposed to be doing, some greater purpose than drinking mojitos and working a job that makes me miserable. But what is it? Should I quit my job and move to Spain? C says I am headed back to Chile because my map keeps falling off the shelf (is that really a sign?). I know I should be grateful for having options, but sometimes it feels so infinite. It's like we're all given this road map of our lives at birth, but as we get older it starts falling apart. There are whole sections of road missing and crazy unexpected detours and we're just supposed to figure it out. I'm not sure, but I think I might be lost. I keep thinking I should be farther along than I am now. My Dad laughs when I tell him this and reminds me that he was 40 before he found his calling. My mom says that this is my time to really step into myself. This is when my life is supposed to open up like a lotus blossom, but thus far I just feel like I'm passing time.
1 comment:
I get it, dear. I so get it. These are questions my sister and I talked about so much, so often. If she could tell you anything, it might be that we all question these things. If I could tell you anything, it would be that you need to very clearly understand what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy and why. I think is linked to being able to follow your bliss, though I haven't figured that all out yet. I think you also need to know how and where to place your faith so you can get guidance from spirit/universe/god/ancestors. Sue also always loved a roadtrip to get clarity, too... Sigh.
She had a couple books she really loved. First, all the Olivia children's books. The other was "Social Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman which I think was giving her some insight into the happiness factor.
Keep writing.
Love,
Heidi
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