Grieving

To lose two friends this way, so randomly, so unexpectedly.....I don't know how to get over this. I've spent the weekend inside, even though it is finally nice out. I just haven't want to go anywhere. Yesterday I cleaned my house, then I felt like cooking. I haven't eaten properly since Sue died. My stomach is a mess and my whole body feels sore. So I decided it was time to cook. I prepared a Midwestern meal, comfort food. I made my mom's mac 'n' cheese, my dad's baked chicken, sage and apple pork chops, steamed broccoli, and yams with red onions. Then my girlfriends came over and brought wine and chocolate. I am so thankful for my community right now. It's such a blessing not to feel alone. One of my other close friends was really tight with Sue and it has been hard on her too. So we sat and ate and laughed about stupid things all the while checking our email. It's been like that since the moment we got the news. We are a part of a community of travelers which means not everyone is even in country to hear the news.

Last night I got an email from T in Japan. Everything began to feel real to me in a way that it didn't before. We were STARS. That was the acronym for our OB1 group...the initials of our first names. OB1 is the first class you take in my Grad school. It is an intensive pain in the ass class where you are saddled with way too much work and then forced to work with a group. I am not a group work person...which is ironic cause that was such a huge part of my on-campus experience...but this particular combination of people was fantastic.

We just vibed. I remember looking at her during one of our meetings and trying to figure out what she was thinking, then she made some smart ass comment that broke the ice. She also always made sure to include everyone. T, being from Japan, was a little shy to give his opinions...mostly because he was embarrassed about what he calls his "shitty English", which is actually pretty damn good, much better than my Japanese. Sue was always so creative and thoughtful. I hate that I am talking about her in past tense. Sue is a not a past tense person! She is so present, never judgemental, an excellent facilitator....I feel like I am writing her resume, when really I just want to express how fucking cool she was. I just don't have the words. She was my friend. She understood me in a way that few people do, and I understood her. And now I just feel like some part of me is gone. You never really realize how people touch your life until they disappear.

T writes :
"Dearest my most important sisters, S, A, R, and Sue
Well, as you know, Sue is gone.
I think you are so devastated as well.
You were few people with which I could believe that I could have heart communication without words.
You are truly irreplaceable sisters for me.
I wish I could be with you here and now, and I could think of her together.
I really want to see STARS and touch STARS one more time.
I have nothing further to say now.
S, A, R, and Sue, I just love you so much. "