Today at one of the schools I work at, it's grandparents or special friends day, which means the kids are allowed to bring in either a grandparent, a godparent or some other adult that is special to them and lives close by. I've never had this at any school I've ever been to, so it was kind of neat to watch. I think its a great idea to give the kids an opportunity to share their school not just with their parents, but with other members of their family. It spreads out the responsibilty a little and gives those people a bit more of an insight into the daily lives of the kids. My mom was really big on the concept of other mothering. I grew up with a council of amazingly brilliant women who mentored and cared for me and still do in some cases.
I always like to meet people's families. I especially like to see what the kids are like with their families. It explains so much about how they treat others and how they expect to be treated.
There is one little girl that I work with often. She is the daughter of a single mother and she can be a brat. Our relationship is complicated. She often tests my patience. I try to be fair with her. I don't want her to think I don't like her, but I find myself coming down hard on her because I don't appreciate the way she is always trying to manipulate or bully people into doing what she wants. I don't know what percentage of this behavior is inate versus learned, but whatever it is, it gets under my skin, more so because when she gets reprimanded and we call home, I watch her guilt trip her mom. It really pisses me off.
I am the product of a single family household. From the time I was 2 years old, I only lived with one parent at a time....plus I'm an only child, so when I went off to college the whole roomate thing was a very rude surprise :). Though it was different living with each parent (they have very distinct energies and personalities), they made a big effort to coordinate some forms of continuity. If something was inappropriate to do at my mom's house, it was most likely simmiarly inappropriate at my dad's house. My parents are some of the most communicative divorced people I know....they never wanted me to have a chance to pit them against each other.
This little girl doesn't have father. Today we were playing scrabble and she had a total freak out. I looked over and she had started sobbing. When I finally got her to tell me what was wrong, she said she was upset because she felt like she barely got to spend anytime with her mom. I pulled her aside. I told her something I remember my mom telling me when I was about that age and didn't want to take out the recycling. She said sometimes when you love someone and you live with them, you have to do things for them to make their lives easier....even if you don't really feel like it, you have to contribute to the household. I told her that she was just going to have to understand that her mom has to work and take care of business so that they can have the things they need. I told her it was okay to feel sad sometimes, but that she should try a little harder to make things easier on her mom. The hardest thing for parents is to watch their kids struggle and hurt. I don't know if that was the right thing to say or even if she heard me because when she gets upset like that, I can see her tuning me out, but I just want her to try being a little less self absorbed.
I think about what their lives together must be like. She gets pissed and takes it out on her mom, who in turn out of guilt gets manipulated into spoiling her to over compensate. It makes me think how much she would really benefit from having a grandparent or a special friend to take some of the stress off. Someone who could tell her mom not to feel so guilty and alert her to the situations in which she is about to get played and someone who could take this little girl and spend some quality time with her when her mom can't. I wish it could be less complicated, but I do believe that with some time and understanding, they can work something out.
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