Quitting

I officially quit the job that sucked my soul yesterday. Even though I haven't set foot near my office since June and I've been working at my very awesome new job for almost a whole month, I didn't really have complete closure. I'm glad I waited to quit. I certainly enjoyed my bus pass all summer and as it turns out I will get to enjoy my insurance through the month of September. As I walked onto campus, I felt really awkward about the whole thing, like they would be pissed at me for not giving them more than two weeks notice or like I might have to defend or explain my decision. I was ready to say everything I haven't said, but in truth we all know why I'm leaving. I'm not really the one to keep it all hidden inside. In the end however, it was nothing like that anyway.

My boss who has made my working life somewhat miserable at times, greeted me with a smile. Then, as he invited me to sit down he asked "Well, will you be returning to us this year?" To which I said no. He asked me if I had found something else and I told him about my new position and then he effusive told me how happy hee was for me. He wished me the best. I gave him my keys and my bus pass and I was out.

It was weird, very anticlimatic, but in a good way. I am trying to think of the last time I quit something. I quit the cello in the fifth grade. I quit the guitar after my friend passed away. I quit UPS to move to Japan. But most of the hard stuff, school and whatnot, I've stuck with. And even that crappy job, I held onto it like I had no options for the longest time, when it was really making me miserable. How do you know when to quit? And then how do you do so without feeling like a failure. I feel like I failed at my crappy job. I wished I could have taken it and made it work, but then another part of me really doesn't care if I failed or not, but is just relieved that I escaped. But now I am wondering what is the next thing I'll quit and how it will impact me. Enough for now, it is a beautiful day and I have to go to tae kwon do.

History in the Making: Wishing I Were in Denver

Today I wished I were in Denver for the first time since the National Convention began. Mostly I have been both amused and swamped with the goings on of my new job. I've been so busy, I haven't had too much of a chance to even watch the convention. And today was no different. I left 4 hours later than my contracted hours and had to haul ass to Tae Kwon Do where I received my new belt. Ms. P reminded me that there is only one belt left before I try for my first black belt. It was an awesome moment and then to celebrate, I took myself out to dinner and watched Barack Obama graciously accept the democratic nomination on this the 45th anniversary of King's I have a dream speech. Watching Obama speak, I realized the difference between a dream and a vision. Dreams can fade, but when you focus your consciousness on bringing a vision to life, it has no choice but to manifest.

His speech was like every other speech he has given, charismatic, hopeful and a reiteration of the democratic party platform which seeks to end the war, end our dependency on foreign oil, green up the nation while improving health care, schools, and the economy. But adding to the brilliance of such a historic moment was the way that Barack talked about America. He didn't talk about a nameless, faceless, amorphous America, but rather gave voice to the experiences of so many of us that he has met and reach out to along this journey. He told our stories. He told our truths and reclaimed patriotism for all Americans not just pledge saying "God-fearing" fundamentalist republicans. I felt so proud to watch him do his thing. And though I recognize the responsibility we all have to really ensure that his presidency is a productive one, I am excited to be a part of the redefinition of this country. I am thrilled that even though we are far from perfect, this country, my country, has experienced enough of a culture shift to nominate (and hopefully elect) Barack Obama for president. This is HUGE.

Meanwhile today at work was a day of unexpected explosions. I love being new. Newness brings with it the freedom of not having to take sides, the freedom to ask the questions everyone else is to afraid to ask, and the freedom to view emotionally volatile situations with the lack of personal investment of an outsider. Today after several meetings, and a lot of playing hide and seek with the emergency preparedness supplies (which are in boxes all over the school), an emergency meeting was called. Teachers were furious because the administration made a decision regarding recess without discussing it with them. It was all very fascinating, especially after a kumbaya day of diversity and faculty/staff bonding to see everything go to shit over something so arbitrary. People were literally in tears and I was glad to be new enough to be able to claim neutrality. You just never know what kind of minefields you're walking through until the explosions begin.

As we sat around in a circle in the fourth grade classroom, each person talking about the issues, I realized that regardless of whatever decision was made, somebody was getting screwed. I can barely imagine being my principal, imagine being Barack. Imagine the challenge he faces in unifying a nation and leading us into a hopefully better stage of our history. If my head of school can't come up with a solution to satisfy and meet the needs of 30 teachers and staff how can Barack be expected to come up with a plan that will accommodate the personal wants and needs of entire country of totally and completely different people. I wish him luck and pray for the best.

To have loved and lost...navigating forgiveness

In my life I can practically count the minutes that I have felt friendless, there have been so few. I have been blessed with such a beautiful community of people, some whom I have known and will know for years and others whom I have known for a finite time or experience and who disappear, sometimes to reappear at a later date, or sometimes to be gone from me forever. My friends don't come with labels that tell me who will be who. We just figure these things out as we go. I have been wrong about people before. There are some people I now consider my close friends, who I never thought I'd see again or that we'd be able to maintain a sustainable connection, as well as those who have been like family to me only to leave my life for one reason or another. Those are the friends I grieve for,the one I wish I didn't have to lose, but don't always know how to re-connect with.

Jem was one such friend. All throughout grad school she was my rock, my sister, my best friend, closer to me than anyone, the person who knew all my secrets, a person whose secrets I knew and kept (keep) and who was alternately nicknamed my twin or my wife. We were so close I sometimes knew what she was thinking. I would pick up the phone before it rang knowing it was her. And then we each went out separate ways. I went to the middle of nowhere New York state to complete my practicum and she ended up in Nepal.

We were both miserable in our way. I had chosen a journey that led me to a wintry small town with only about 15 people under 30 but over 21. I became depressed and lonely and spent a lot of time processing my intense reaction to grad school. There were days were I felt mentally ill or insane with the strength of my emotions.Even though I managed to build a small community of unconventional friends there, I missed the intimacy Jem and I shared. I missed having a best friend who got my stupid jokes and didn't have to ask me why I was crying. She was someone who simply knew me. And at that time in my life I desperately needed to be known and taken on my own terms. It can be really tiring breaking in new friends.

Meanwhile she had her own experiences which I won't disclose, as they are not my story to tell. When she returned from her adventures, she was physically and mentally depleted and very ill. She asked all of her friends for some time and space and that we not contact her until she felt ready. I waited a full six months before finally breaking down and sending her a birthday card. I didn't really expect a reply, but I got one and she seemed even worse than before. Shortly there after she chose to end our friendship. There were a lot of reasons, which out of respect for both of our privacy, I won't get into, but the end result was me feeling totally blindsided and abandoned by someone I had trusted and loved more than anyone.

I didn't see her for a year and when I did, it was a total accident. I didn't even know what to say to her. She acted like nothing had happened. We were both present for the graduation of some mutual friends and even as she sought me out, she never mentioned what had passed between us and I was still too hurt to do much more than tactfully keep my mouth shut. I had wanted to yell at her, to cuss her out for having the audacity to just walk back into my life and try to be the friend she had long since stopped being. I'm not that great with ambiguity and knowing that I wouldn't cause a scene that might spoil someone else's moment she deliberately kept near me, yet never really gave me the closure I had been craving. Since then, more than a year and a half has passed and I found out today that she is now married.

My first reaction was to be surprised...okay jaw droppingly stunned (you just kind of have to know her to understand how unexpected this is). Then after getting a little more context, I couldn't help but laugh because he sounds absolutely perfect for her. And then I felt happy to know that she is happy again and healthy and well. My only twinge of sadness came from not being able to be a part of her good. I guess when you really love someone, even when the shit doesn't work out or you can't be a part of that person's world anymore, there is some part of you that always wishes them well. Is this forgiveness? Well if anything I think I might have finally forgiven myself for failing as a friend (I know I didn't actually fail, it just felt that way for a very long time). Why is it always so much easier to forgive other people (even people who really burnt you) than it is to accept that you are less than perfect and might need to forgive yourself?

I've had all these weird processing moments lately, including a dream about the big round headed loser (and I'm not saying that out of malice, it's just how I've come to think of him) in which we saw each other again and he seemed really happy to see me, but we never actually spoke. Shoshana says that is my sub-conscious saying I forgive him and that while I can recognize that some part of me still loves him,I am blessed because I am free from the need to go down that road again. We've had closure (and make-closure, and re-break-up closure and damn how much more of that do I really need when we've both already kind of moved on?) So here's to moving on! But with friends it is so much more complicated than with boyfriends. I'm totally comfortable saying I forgive the big round headed loser, but I don't ever want to see him again.

Today I realized I do want to see Jem again. I probably won't. I certainly have enough going on with school starting in less than a week and all the other happenings in my life without adding any ex-friend drama to the mix, but I do irrationally wish we could be friends again. I know even if were able to talk through the last two and a half years it would never be the same, it could never be the same. The question is could I ever even trust her again after such an abrupt and shitty end to such a special and intense friendship?

What makes you trust someone? How do you know they won't screw you over? Why is it easier for me to trust women than men when I have been way more brutally and emotionally scarred by women than men? These are the things going through my mind on this beautiful windy day. As I make new friends and re-connect with old friends and do this whole sporadic dating thing, I am trying to be authentic about who I am. with that comes a certain amount of vulnerability. I want to be open and not hold onto past hurt, but I feel a bit of trepidation. One definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing and expecting different results. So how can I be as open and sincere and willing to love and be loved as I have been in the past and not get my heart broken? How can I be this new person that I am evolving into and still be true to who I have always been? I am working on this. I don't have any definite answers other than knowing that I don't regret a moment of my friendships and (even more surprisingly) of my past romantic relationships. They happened, parts were amazing, parts sucked, and then they ended, but it was worth it. They say scar tissue is the strongest tissue in the body...maybe you have to be exposed to pain to get strong enough to really love and be loved sustainably.

Escapism at it's blood-suckingest

During grad school, I often felt klaustraphobic between the massive amounts of homework, the group work, class, my two jobs, and the responsibilities included in starting up two on-campus organizations. I was stretched thin and living in a dorm with walls so thin I could hear my classmates' snores surrounding me.I never felt alone and sometimes all I wanted was to escape. Having no car and living in Vermont during winter and even worse "mud season" meant escape was often a physical impossibility. So I had to use my mind.

I have always loved reading, but when you have to read a minimum of 50 pages of textbooks a night, trying to follow a complicated novel is out of the question. I found a much needed relief in young adult fiction. The books were just juicy enough to want to read them and just easy enough to be able to do so quickly without really interfering with school work. I became hooked on Tamora Pierce, working my way through the Lioness Quartet and on to the Immortal Series and of course Keladry's books.

Trickster's Choice and Trickster's Queen became my favorite. I also read all the Harry Potters, all the Charlie Bones, and re-read all my favorite Madeline L'Engle books from A wrinkle in Time to A House Like a Lotus. Though I have a lot more time now than I did then, I still love young adult novels. It's a guilty pleasure which has become kind of about research as well because I would really like to finish the one I started writing several years ago. I digress.

My latest series, which I purchased at the Vegas Airport, is Twilight by Stephanie Meyers. There are four books, the first of which is soon to be a movie, and I love them all. I am not really that into Vampires. In fact that is why I didn't read this book sooner. I kept picking it up...it's been prominantly displayed everywhere... and I kept thinking, this is going to be totally predictable. The main character is a white girl named Bella who is wimpy and bad at sports, and so not the type of heroine I like to see in my books...but I am happy to say I mis-judged her. She has hidden depths and hidden talents and so does the book. It's not what I thought it would be. In fact I liked the first book so much I bought and read all four and it was well worth it. There are legends and shapeshifters, but somehow Meyers manages to avoid the whole fluffy unicorn fantasy land trap and writes from such a down to earth, small town perspective that you can really get into the characters.

My last three recomendations come from my trip to Powells in Portland. I LOVE POWELLS even if I do get lost there and spend way too much money everytime. While losing myself in the stacks I came across Magic Lessons, by Justine Larbalestier, another dark series about three teenage magicians. Set both in New York and Australia, the books chronicle a strange story of how their magic unfolds and could possibly lead to madness. This was also un-predictable and much creepier than I origiannly suspected, but worth the read.

If you want something a little more real and can take a little sadness, Looking for Alaska, by John Green was absolutely brilliant, poignant,and very well written. I won't spoil the plot. And last but not least, my favorite book of the summer, with the exception of Breaking Dawn, the last book of the Twilight series, was by Carolyn Mackler. It's called The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things and the fat girl does not get skinny....and I love it! (I also read her second book Vegan Virgin Valentine...totally great as well) Happy readings.

Red Stripe...the road to danger belt

Today I tested for my red stripe belt in Tae Kwon Do. It took me several months to get my blue belt, so I was kind of surprised to feel ready after just two months to try for my next belt, but I did and Mrs. P confirmed this. As summer is traditionally a time of lighter populations in both the kids and the adults classes, we had a combined test. I came in feeling good...a huge difference from my last two tests...and I left feeling good (also a difference).

I felt proud, not just of myself for representing my knowledge of the techniques well (or at least with minial mistakes), but I also felt proud of the other people in my school. As the second highest ranked person testing today, I had a long wait before it was my turn and as I watched everyone from the white belts through the blue stripes, I could see the improvements. I could see my own journey as a martial artist reflected. As a white belt, I felt so awkward in my own body. Every stance and every block, and even most of the kicks and punches felt totally foreign whereas now, while I still have challenges like trying not over rotate my turning side kicks and making sure my wheel kicks are level, I feel balanced and strong. I feel confident that if it were absolutely necesary I could thorougly kick someone's ass...and that is a great feeling. Assuming I did as well and I think I did (I'll findout on Monday), I will soon begin preparing for my next belt...red belt, which is the danger belt because it is the last belt before the first black belt...and that close to black belt you should be pretty dangerous.

This part of my journey is all about refining the basics, sharpening all my techniques and perfecting my self control. We all had a good lesson in self control today when one person kicked another below the belt. This was shortly after another person kicked the other during a no-contact display of one steps. They were both higher ranks and should've had better self control, but that not withstanding, it was still a good test.

Meanwhile, I spent this week settling into my new job. I think I am done with my back from Vegas funk because I am actually excited for the school year to begin. I like my new co-workers. And now that I am mostly over my aversion to having to be some place at a set time everyday, I am enjoying my new job. Everyday is different. In addition to teaching, I also support the Admissions team (which is only a one person team), the Academic team, and the main office assistant, so I have a variety of different things to do. What TKD reminds me is that while not everything I have to do is intuitive right now, with time I'll get better. I can already see that I will be well suited to this position. I guess it's just all about patience and consistency.

The Labyrinth

Call it a post-Vegas hang over, a back-to-work funk, whatever it is I have been cranky and out of sort since coming back...which is funny because I was actually kind of relieved to come back. There are only so many shows and so much ringing one can stand. But regardless I have been kind off balance and the one thing that seems to ground me and put me back on track recently is going to the Center for Spiritual Living...so me and Shoshana and surprisingly Mz Blu went, but I still didn't feel right.

Sunday was one of those days I just wanted to go home and be a troll, but I had promised Taus, my favorite tae kwon do ninja, that I would accompany her to a full moon meditation and blessing for leos. She said there would be a labyrinth. Well, I grew up in the 80s so I immediately pictured a mansion with a huge hedge maze...something David Bowie would feel comfortable riding a unicorn through. I was a bit disappointed at first when we rolled up to this lady's house where there was no possibility of anything so grandiose. The second thing I noticed is that Taus and I were the youngest women at the gathering by a decade or two (easily more than that). It was like coffee hour after the 8:00am service at the Episcopal church, lots of chatty old white people. My irritation increased as I had to answer for the fifth time "No I don't work at the Hospital, I'm a teacher," and so on and so on. Chit chat can be so tedious at times.

But as we worked our way to the back yard, I took a deep breath and tried to ease away from my negativity. The yard was fenced in and on the left side was the labyrinth, a circular growth or low furrowed plants that made a path switching back and forth around hairpin turns to the center which was filled with stones, shells, and trinkets. It wasn't what I had pictured, but it was nice and as we sat down in a circle I automatically began to center. One of the women had brought some singing bowls that were wrapped in yellow carrying cases like tiny jimbes. The singing bowls look kind of like the tops of cake plates only they have long handles and you hold them so the open side is up. They are played with a stick, but not like a drum or a gong, you simply roll the stick around the edge and it begins to resonate, not unlike a tuning fork. The lady had brought 3 different bowls and they each played a different tune. It was very soothing.

I found myself kind of fascinated by the coven of older women. I say coven, but they weren't witches or anything, just very unconventional in their spiritual believes. The discussion revolved around meditation and astrology and lots of stuff I am mostly topics I think of as new age. The singing bowls were so neat. The lady who brought them explained that singing bowls come from the Buddhist tradition. They are usually made out of some kind of special alloy, until not too long ago when someone figured out that crystal could re-produce the same sounds and that as a living organism the sound from this particular kind of bowl could evolve. She showed us the inside of one bowl and described how at some point when the crystal was still growing and forming, it had broken, but that it had healed itself. On the bottom there was beautiful strange pattern of discoloration that marked the scars. She says that one patch of regrowth is what causes that particular bowl to have such a warm tone. It struck me as poignant, the idea that scar tissue could make you stronger and richer.



We settled down to the task at hand...the labyrinth. Another lady began to talk about the tradition of labyrinth and I realized that it reminded me very much of how CSL teaches prayer.

There are three steps we've been working on for spiritual treatments: Recognition, Unification, Realization, Thanksgiving, and Release. In the first stage you recognize God, then you acknowledge that you are one with God, a part of the whole universe, then the realization is that thing you are praying for, be it good health or joy or whatever is already your reality, so then you say thanks and send that out into the universe. It's a very different way to pray after years of getting on my knees and begging forgiveness for my sins and asking permission to be blessed. This isn't a negotiation. I don't feel like I have to cheapen myself by playing let's make a deal.."I'll be a better person if you just heal my Grandma, please God". It's more like..."There is a God, I am a part of that God, as a part of God there is no joy that is denied me....I know my grandma is healthy whole and healed, this is my word and the word of God. That's Great and so I am very thankful for this truth. I
release it into the universe knowing that all is well." That's a a very simplified way to put it, but you get the idea.

Well, with labyrinth, the idea is that the center is love. As you make your way towards it you hold a trinket in your hand and say your prayer, then you release it into the love (the universe) and go out the same way you came in, all the while giving thanks. I picked a beautiful blue stone that looked like a jelly bean. One of the ladies blessed me with rose oil and some of the other ladies played the singing bowls. I was the first into the labyrinth and as I walked the narrow path between the green under bush, slowly and with a lit candle in one hand and my stone in the other, I thought a prayer for grace. I realize that lately I have been pretty crappy at embracing change...even the good changes...and there have been many, mostly good changes as of late. So I left my fear, my defensiveness, and my anger with a candle and my stone in the center of the labyrinth. And as I came out, I felt so much lighter, and so much more human. We sat in silence, the soft grass beneath our feet, the lightening foreboding but distant in the sky and held a space for hope, joy and community.

Afterwards there was a lovely potluck and an indoor meditation the preceded the blessing of the leos. There were quite a few of us and at the end everyone sang Happy B-Day. It was a beautiful present despite my original reluctance to see it as such. Thanks for putting up with my stank attitude Taus. Much love.

What happened in Vegas...29 and Fabulous

I arrived in Vegas on the 10th, approximately 15 minutes before my official b-day. My original plan was to turn 29 on the beaches of Cuba...but as per usual my champagne and caviar tastes weren't quite supported by my tuna fish budget. No worries though, I had a plan B, Vegas for the first time...only 8 years later than I originally planned to go...accompanied by the ever amusing Mz. Blu. Well, through technical difficulties and what I see as a conspiracy on the part of the Universe, I ended up on plan C, a solo trip which means most of what happened in Vegas will stay there...no witnesses :).

What I will say, is that I had a fabulous time. Through another quirk of the Universe (oh such a fabulous sense of humor!)I had no hotel room until my actual b-day, meaning I had to pull an all-nighter. I was prepared for this, though admittedly it's been a while since I was nocturnal to that degree. After a quick stop at the Mirage (my luxurious home base) to check my luggage and change into my fabulous red dress, I headed to the Wynn Hotel. Coco knew somebody, who knew somebody, who put me on the VIP list at Tryst, so my second stop from the airport was the club...as it should be.

Vegas first impressions:
1)There really are slot machines in the airport!
2)Everything is so big and well lit.
3)I've never seen so many big-breasted women in my life!
4)Was that really Tom Jones or just a look alike?

Tryst: Picture a rap video filled with scantily clad big busted white women in black lingerie or minuscule tan flapper dresses fringed with pearls. Add in red couches, break dancers, and a 3 story waterfall, and that is Tryst. I had a $12 rum and coke, vowing not to pay for another drink, and then I danced and danced taking breaks to sit and people watch. Going to the club alone is always a little awkward, but I knew myself enough to know I had to commit to having fun in advance. Usually you get what you expect, so I expected the best and yeah, it was fun.

Left Tryst around 3ish. It was time to change shoes. Hit the Mirage again and won $25in the Penny slots. Then I did a random walking tour checking out the Bellagio, Treasure Island, Caesar's Palace, Paris, and an assortment of other phatty hotels and casinos. Everything is so big, it's not like they're as close as they look, but I had some time and it was nice to walk. I watched the sun come up over the strip, had breakfast in Paris, and took a nap by a pool. By the time I was ready to check in, I had found a mall and I seriously felt like I had been in Vegas for 3 days.

I spent the rest of b-day napping and shopping. Then I took myself out for steak at Kahunaville where there was a bartender competition where the bartenders did all sorts of tricks (like something out of the movie Cocktail) like juggling multiple bottles and balancing bottles on their noses. That's the thing about Vegas, it is all about entertainment. The bathroom is the only slot machine free zone, after a while I felt like hiding out there just to avoid the sound.

I saw some more sights, gambled, shopped, had delicious food, watched the Olympics on the flat screen TV in my super stylish room, went out on a date, read, walked, watched some great free shows and so stupid free shows, and in general enjoyed my own company. But the ultimate highlight of my trip was going to KA by Cirque du Soleil. Words fail to describe how kick ass this show was. It was expensive but worth every penny. I saw things I'd never seen before. I literally felt the wind knocked out of me watching them perform these super human feats, and so gracefully. Between the ever evolving sage and the dramatic costumes, trapeze stunts and the rolling cages, I was completely and totally floored.




Though Vegas is one big festival of distractions and entertainment designed to keep your mind and money occupied, I was surprised to find myself having some moments of clarity. Even with the never ending ching of slot machines, I had some time to think about my year and my life. There have been so many changes and I know that there are many more to come, so my birthday wish for 29 is to weather these changes with grace and agility, to accept the sometimes strange gifts of the universe with joy and wonder, and to fully love and embrace the person I am, the person I am becoming, and the space of unique and beautiful choices I am creating everyday. Blowing out the candles now.

Ahhhh Working Again :(

I started my new job on August 1st, though I can't technically quit my old job until September 1st. In the meantime I am using my insurance as much as possible, experimenting with acupuncture and getting my back adjusted. I will say this for my crappy job, it has a great benefits package. I am beginning to discover some of the benefits of my new job though. My boss is really nice. That is a huge plus. Also there is no shortage of treats. Turns out, I work with a whole bunch of Leos, so every few days there is another birthday (mine is Monday) and each birthday is celebrated with some kind treat and a little community time.

Today was my boss' birthday, so we had a special breakfast...fresh blueberries, granola, yogurt, scones, and cinnamon rolls. Afterwards I went to work on some of the most mind numbingly boring tasks ever. After a while I though I might go blind from staring at the computer screen. It occurs to me that I have been very focused on the teaching aspect of my job and not so much on what it would be like to do the administrative stuff. With no kids until after Labor Day, I am realizing how much I really don't like working in general. I'm not a lazy ass...I can and do work hard and well, it's just that when I stop for a moment to think if I am happy, there is a loud voice in my head that says "I could be sing karaoke!" Or writing, or painting, or sleeping or any number of other things that would be infinitely more inspiring.

I have a friend that sometimes reminds me of Eyor from Winnie the Pooh. She is constantly in a state of mopey crabbiness and she has told me repeatedly to suck it up and give into the truth, that truth being that work is always bad even when it's easy and the pay is good. I don't want this to my truth, but I can't help but wonder what I can do to make everyday a better day.

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining (always a luxury in Seattle) and I felt healthy and energetic. I spent some time meditating on my half completed vision board, reading through the weekly affirmations of my small group in the class I take at the Center for Spiritual Living, and just in general praying. I left the house in high spirits, but fast forward 8 hours...and I feel wretched. No horrible thing happened to me at work. Everyone was kind to me and treated me with respect. And yet I can't help wondering, is that all there is? Do you just pick the least irritating version of a job you can and hold onto it until you retire...what kind of life is that, a continuous state of holding your breath for weekends and vacations. I can't wait for the kids to get to school....but what happens if school starts and I still feel listless. Really and truly there has to be something better. I'm just having trouble getting there from here.

Universal Blockage + Entertaining 1st Date

Last week Mz Blu, Shewhodancesallthetime, and I hit up the War Room for what we thought would be reggae night, but ended up being 80s night. It started out as another frustrating evening of so so music and so so dudes. After the first 2 hours, the only two people who hit on me were a midget from Nicaragua and a very scary white lesbian. I was cranky and drinking, a bad combo, but it was nice to be moving my body and Mz Blu, as always, provided serious comic relief by pelting Shewhodancesallthetime with ice cubes and performing the off-beat dance (so common around these parts). It was around then that we met some gentlemen from the Navy in town for Seafair. They were an interesting bunch and one of them was cute, so I attempted to talk to him. He was also dumb as a rock (such a waste), but it was fun dancing anyway and that is how I ended up meeting the Entertainer. When I say meet, I mean that in a very loose way because I spent most of my time meeting the dumb rock, but it was the Entertainer...totally seperate, non-military, and random guy who ended up with my number. He called the next day and we had our first date yesterday.

Backing up to why this is all so funny. Mz Blu refers to that night, as my temper tantrum with the Universe because I was so irritated by what I was manifesting that I cussed out the Universe. I do want to date, but I have standards and what I realized when looking at the nice abs and vacant expression of the dumb rock is that I am really not trying to compromise my standards and that, while limiting, is totally a good thing.

Greta, Shoshana and I visited CSL yesterday and the whole theme was about forgiveness. The sermon made some great points one of which is that the Universe never blocks you from anything. If there is a block, you are creating it. That was hard to hear, but true so I thought about that in regards to my whole dating / non-dating thing and realized that I was ready to be unblocked.I forgave myself and moments later,I was on my way to Rain for sushi with the Entertainer.

First dates are always kind of awkward, it's the equivilant of a romantic job interview, particularly when you are meeting that person for the first time sober, but we did have some good convo on the phone before hand so I was more excited than nervous for sushi and chillin. As per usual, I was ultra punctual. I actually tried to wait so that we would arrive around the same time, but he got a little lost, having never really been to Wallingford, and was hella late. So there I was sitting there alone long enough so that the bartender gave me a free drink, but the whole time the Entertainer was texting me, so it wasn't too bad. He arrived smelling good and dressed well. Turns out he has a degree in sociology, works for a bank and used to be a stand up comic.

Meanwhile, Rain had a really big weekend, so they had begun running out of things from tuna to limes. We had to keep changing our order. We did get some free sushi out of it because the owner felt bad, but that is when the comedy kicked in. The first part of the date went well. I felt comfortable. He is totally chatty and funny, then after a few drinks, I feel like the date shifted from a date to a skit...hence he will be known as the Entertainer. While he was funny, and I was properly entertained, I liked it better when we were just talking and he wasn't performing. After dinner we took a walk and hung out some more. It is possible that there will be a second date...I guess it's kind of a case of getting what you wish for though. Now that I've broken the dating seal I'm not sure of what I hope to accomplish. I mean I guess you don't have to know exactly what you want at every moment of everyday, but it would be nice. For now I am content for having met someone pretty cool and taken a chance on a little romance, as cheesy as that may be.

Vision Boarding Party Part 1

Yesterday after dragging my ass to Taekwondo, I came home to find a very busy Mz Blu, my accidental but very cool recent roomate. She was in deep cleaning mode, a strange state where OCD meets ADD and suddenly there are no more dirty dishes or dust on the windowsill. After shining every piece of metal from faucets to door handles, mopping, vacuuming, dusting, and re stacking all my books, Mz Blu decided to reintegrate some of the paintings from art show onto the walls. Then she decided more of the art could be put up and set about hanging paintings on every bare surface. The end result is that my place is festive, properly sterilized, and ready for company...so right on cue we held a small vision board party.

I made my first vision board several months ago. It's a white foam board painted red, blue, and purple with a yellow haze around my smiling picture. I used magazines and cut out words and pictures that best illustrated my vision for what I want to show up in my life from joy and prosperity to getting my black belt and publishing my book. This time my vision is much more streamline, still colorful but clearer.

I'm still not quite done, and neither is anyone else, so there will be a sequel to the party, but the best part was just hanging out. Taus and Krisp Forms from TKD stopped by. As usual Taus fell asleep and my chair and made me looks at a million pictures from her online scrap book. Then Greta arrived from Tacoma and we all sat around painting and collaging, drinking tea and eating my mom's best recipe for sharp cheddar and macaroni. Mz. Blu's boy toy arrived shortly after that and as Krisp Forms and Taus left, Coco showed up. It was a very chill and very fun afternoon that reminded me to be thankful for all the wonderful things happening in my life, the center of which is my community of cool peoples who are ever present with love, support and stupid jokes.

Bittersweet at the Triple Door

What better way to spend the last few moments of my staycation than out on the town with the lovely Coco at the Triple Door for Bittersweet live in concert. Coco is the one responsible for hooking me on such musical fabulousness as Thievery Corporation,Late Night Alumni,Blue Six, Olive, Everything but the Girl, Kaskade, and Res. She has an addiction to unique beats and quirky but sensual female vocalist...which is exactly how one would characterize Shana Halligan, the lead singer of Bittersweet. For those of you unfamiliar with the band, you've probably heard one of the title tracks from their last album The Mating Game on ABC's comedy Samantha Who. Their music has also cameoed in Sex in the City. They have a unique sound: part James Bond sountrack, part funk meets electronic...add in violins and sultry vocals, with deliciously flirtaous lyrics and you've got Bittersweet...a very tongue and cheek minksy vibe.

Though I've lived in Seattle for a total of 5 years (not consecutively), I'd never been to the Triple Door, man do I feel cheated. Coco and I got didn't get all dolled up for nothing, the venue was classy and elegant. We passed by the musiquarium...which is the outer lounge where you can have a drink and if you're too broke or too cheap to get tickets to the mainstage you can at least enjoy the music filtered in from the concert. Then a host lead us to our seats (excellent seats) along the wall stage left. It's an intimate venue that used to be a Burleque theater and retains some of the original architecture (very cool date spot).

We arrived in time to have a leasurely and fantastic dinner. Kiran Shihani, basist and co-creator of Bittersweet himself stood right next to our table...while we tried to decide whether or not that was him (it was!).

The Triple Door is one of the few places you can get a mojito comparable to mine. The tuna sashimi bruschetta was amazing and totally different than anything I'd ever had. DJ Self-Inflicted Beat Down...yes, that's his name... spun an eclectic mix of grown folks music that had us groovin in our seats. I'm going to have to google him to see where he's playing next.When we had finished our equally delicious meals (I had the ankorwat chicken, she had the 7 flavored beef and we split the seshwan green beans all of which was yummy)and I had made the long trip up and down the stairs to the ladies room (definately not assessible for wheel chairs or stiletto heels) the lights went down.

Kiran Shihani, a guitarist, an electric violinist, a DJ, and a percussionist took the stage and started jammin. Above the stage was screen filled with cool pyschodelic imagery that changed from song to song from old movie clips of belly dancers to cool spirals to a very fat cat (again I say quirky, but very cool). The backdrop was a faux midnight sky with blue and green electronic stars flickering....very, very cool. The band set the mood, Kiran swankily dancing his way over to the basist then back to the violinist. And then in fluttered Shana Halligan barefoot and in this hot and swanky white floor length crocheted gown with a plunging back line. She wore her auburn hair in wavy curls down to her mid back, accented on top by a pokey flower. The lady had moxy. She sang alternating between two mics while dancing on a white fake fur rug. In between songs she would mutter something incoherent and take a sip of red wine(conveniently placed on a pedastool beside her rug).

Despite the multi-million dollar sound system, they never did manage to strike a good balance between the vocals and music. On the CD it is already sometimes hard to catch what she's saying given her lisp and the way she sings, but live it was almost impossible. Yet somehow this did not detract from the overall performance. They were brilliant. There were these sexy tamborine bongo moments where I wanted to push the table away and jump up and dance, but then I glanced over at a woman who had gone with her urge. I swear if she hadn't been standing I would have thought she was having a prolonged epoleptic seizure...but no, she was just movin and groovin. Why is it always the people who have no business dancing in public who are the first to take off there shoes and do the ass baring shimmy? So I didn't dance, but I did thoroghly enjoy the evening and I will for absolutely be in the audience when Bittersweet hits Seattle again.