Sitting with my sanga and getting a blue belt

Today was my blue belt test in Tae Kwon Do. I didn't feel very good and this is beginning to be a bit of a re-occurring theme. Last test I vomited 5 minutes before. This time I managed to contain myself, but I just felt lame. One of Tina Blu's favorite sayings is "fake it 'til you make it" and that's what I did. I went through the motions. I greeted my classmates and made small talk, then we warmed up, which was kind of insane considering that the majority of the people in my school were testing. There was barely space on the floor to turn and the locker rooms were crowded and stinky.

As Grand Master K, founder of my school was in attendance, nothing went as usual. We started by having a seminar on crescent kick and twisting kick, two kicks I rarely ever do. This got me moving and the repetition made me feel a little better. There is something about that kind of focus that settles me. We finished after an hour and then bowed out. Higher ranks (myself included) had to put on our sparring gear- pads for elbows, knees, shins, and forearms. We didn't wear chest protectors, which is unusual and we lined up by rank and height with out gloves and headgear tucked beneath our left arm. As I stood shoulder to shoulder with my classmates, I didn't feel nervous, I felt ready and proud.

We bowed in, then sat by rank to the side where there was barely enough room for all of us. We had to make rows, something we've never had to do before in a test. Though Grand Master K had a special seat of honor at his own table just beneath the flags, Mrs. P called the test. The way it works is that she calls your name and you jump up and say "yes Ma'am". You line up with all the other people of your same belt rank and then she asks you to perform some basic kicks, blocks, and punches that you should know. After that you demonstrate your form. Your form is a routine of kicks, blocks, and punches done to an imaginary opponent to display you skill. Each belt has a form and a set of one steps, which is a call and response demonstrations of fighting. One person "attacks" and you respond with a combinations of moves. Both your form and your one steps get progressively difficult as you achieve higher ranks and as a black belt, you will be responsible for knowing all the previous forms, so it's not something you can just forget after each test. You really have to learn it and then practice each form.

My form is called Jun-gun and it focuses a lot on stances and hand techniques. Almost every other move you have to shift from front stance to back stance. It requires a lot of balance. My one steps are: 1) step back with the right foot, jumping side kick. 2) step back with the left foot, hopping hook kick, turning side kick 3)with the right foot, crescent foot block, wheel kick. 4)slide and block to the left in riding stance, round house kick, spinning back fist, reverse punch, round house kick, punch (my favorite). 5)step back with the right foot, round house kick, wheel kick. The wheel kick is my new favorite kick now that I've figured out how to get my leg up high enough to properly kick someone in the face.

My test went okay. I made a few mistakes, but nothing as bad as during my last test. What was very different about this test though, besides the fact that it was on a Monday when every other test has been on a Saturday and of course the sheer volume of people, was that directly after the test, each and everyone of us was awarded our belt. Usually there is a waiting period. You test on Saturday. The results are posted on Monday. Belts are awarded on Thursday. And when you get your belt, Mrs. P takes the time to talk to you about the belt and what it means. Then she talks to you individually as she's tying on your new belt. Sometimes she talks loud enough for everyone to hear, sometimes she kind of speaks softly to you. She tells you things you need to work on, but also she tells you what you have accomplished.

Grand Master K, was much less imposing than I imagined. He is a thin, older Korean man with excellent balance and a uniform that says TAEKWONDO in big black letters on the back. He presented us with our belts directly. To the white belts, he congratulated them and talked about how difficult it can be to take your first steps. To the yellow stripes he simply said that they did well for their rank. He didn't say much to the yellow belts. To the green stripes he mentioned that this was the time when they should be getting crisp with their movements. I have no idea what he said to the green belts because I was mentally preparing for my test. Then I was testing. Then I was lined up and holding my green belt with it's blue stripe in my left hand and receiving my blue belt. Grand Master Kim says blue belt is when you begin to mature as a martial artist. You begin to become more self critical because it begins to sink in....what you're really supposed to be doing. He says it's normal to feel like you looked better last week, but that it's all part of the process.

I am struggling with the process today. It could be I am just having a not so great day, but sometimes I wake up and wonder at how I roped myself into all these obligations. When did Tae Kwon Do go from being something I couldn't wait to do, to something I have to do? And why is this such and alarming trend in my life? I'm beginning to think I'm afraid of commitment. I'm good at follow-through, especially if it has to do with something where other people are depending on me. I won't leave them hanging...but when it comes to my own stuff...well, it's different. I was just talking to Shoshana about how we are always the ones to drop our personal stuff first in order to prioritize work or school or whatever seems more important or time sensitive at the time.

At worship yesterday, our spiritual leader was celebrating her 20th anniversary with the church. There was a BBQ and everyone had on cowboy hats (I am unclear as to what the whole western theme was about, but it was kind of cool). During the sermon she admitted to freaking out around her 10th anniversary with the church, because she signed a commitment to be a part of the community for another 10 years. She said that though she loved the organization and had grown so much through it and didn't have any plans to leave, it felt so binding to know that she had to be there...that she was contractually obligated to stick it out in this community through all the weirdness and what not. Well after 10 years, she is able to say that it has been worth it. Not everyday has been perfect, but she has deepened her roots in what she refers to as the sanga.

A sanga is a community, which is defined as more than just a gathering of people, but specifically as a gathering of people who are committed to a common purpose or goal. This got me thinking about how many sangas I belong to and how much they have enriched my life. Including my taekwondo sanga. It isn't always easy. Some days...especially if I hurt myself or make stupid mistakes in front of the instructors...I get frustrated and tired, but I have made a commitment to see this through. There are 8 black belts in Tae Kwon Do and I'm at least going to get my first. I am three belts and a lot of hard work away, but in the meantime I will sit in my sanga and allow them to help me through this. Congrats to all of us on our new belts. We earned them.