Bittersweet

When I was a senior in high school, Hillary Clinton spoke at my school. I was still active in politics then and cherished ambitions to one day be the first black woman president. Seeing Clinton speak, I was filled with hope and excitement. I wondered if she would ever run for president, and I just knew that I would vote for her.

Fast forward a little over a decade to this year's election where my hope had finally been realized, but as usual not the way that I had envisioned. I couldn't vote for Hillary Clinton. I used to look up to her. I still admire her guts, but she has changed. Over the course of this campaign she has really pissed me off. She has been tacky. Her behavior and campaign have delved into cheap and gimmicky stunts. She has lied and made really divisive comments. She has taken advantage of all her white privilege, while simultaneously pointing the finger at Obama for playing the "race card". This is not the Hillary Clinton I remember.

When I read Dreams from my Father, it moved something in me. Due to a combination of work and school and later work and traveling, I had lost my connection to the political world. I had stopped working on the campaigns of local politician. I still voted...I believe in voting, but I felt an extreme disconnect between me and my government. Reading Obama's book (I'm still only half way through the Audacity of Hope) made me want to get off my ass and participate again, because after way too many years of the Bush dynasty, I finally felt like I had found someone I could believe in. I know Barack Obama is not perfect. We disagree on certain issues, but I find his sincerity refreshing.

Today I watched Hillary Clinton's exit speech and was surprised to feel so sad.I have to say, she gave a really beautiful speech, one that reminded me of the woman I saw speak 10 years ago. She was strong and articulate and graceful. I just wished that she had run her campaign as well. As you know, I voted and caucused for Obama because I believe in what he can do for this country and I really do think we need a bigger change than Clinton would have provided. I don't regret my decision at all, but I do have this strange feeling of sadness as I wonder how much longer we'll have to wait for the next woman to come along with enough power and courage to be a viable presidential candidate.Clinton says that by coming this far she has shattered the glass ceiling and made history and I hope she is right.

This has been a hard election season for me...exciting and restorative in some ways, but hard still to see how slow change actually is. We've come a long way, but there is so much left to be done. And just like the 20s, when women's suffrage and the right of blacks to vote was the issue of the day, my country again asks me to choose between being black or being a woman. And it is just as ludicrous now as it was then. I am both,I will always be both. And it is with my whole self that I feel sad to know that time for a woman president is not quite here yet, just as I feel empowered to know the time for a black president is upon us. If we can do this one thing, if we can make history, by making a choice we've never made before, what will this mean for our future. I feel fortunate to be alive, fortunate to be a part of something amazing. Next weekend I go to Spokane for the WA democratic state convention where I will be repping Obama as a delegate.