Counter-intuitive

After the elation of getting a new job, thus symoltaneosly securing my escape from my not so great job and scoring a month and half of summer break, I hit a wall...actually it felt more like stumbling down a worm hole, like the bottom dropped out of my stomach. I am happy with my decisions. I love all the changes I have been manifesting in my life, and I am so grateful for all the opportunities coming my way, but there is something bittersweet to it. Sometimes, when I get massages and my therapist works out a deep knot of tension, though it doesn't hurt, though it may in fact be an immense relief, I'll find myself suddenly gripped by an intense emotion. She explain that every part of the body holds your feelings so when there is a shift, sometimes it frees the muscles up to release emotions you didn't even know you had.That's what this feels like.

A couple days ago, I participated in the final meeting for my global learning seminar. At the end, we were asked to share our reflections and what we had learned. There were many positives that I personally came away with. I think it did my heart good to meet so many amazing people who, though part of the same organization, I hadn't met or worked with before. It was also a great learning experience to hear about their work and their interests, especially about the trips they are planning for their students. But the other salient experience I had, and up until that moment hadn't been able to articulate, was this feeling of constantly being blocked.

Though my organization will pay for seminars and trainings, it is slow to really provide support for any type of sustainable and transformative change. I have hit this wall constantly in my job....the difference between what people say they want and what they are willing to do to manifest what they want. The institution is happy to hold a press conference to congragulate themselves on all the things it says it is doing and all the amazing programs it says it will commit to in the future, but that's just what it is: words and publicity. The reality is much less compelling.

Case in point. We were granted $750,000 to help "under-represented" students study abroad....thus far not dime on has been spent on these students. In fact most of these students don't even know that this money exists. I know several who just found out about it...and suddenly the deadline to apply for the money has lapsed, which means that although we have this money and it is dedicated to the sole purpose of helping these students, they do no have access to it. So my institution gets all the glory and credit for being a supportive place with a wealth of scholarship money for students of color to have international experiences...and takes none of the responsibility for making sure that this is what is really happening. It makes me crazy.

More over, I have often felt that in order to accomplish anything I have had to take the most circuitous route. Even in order to apply to be part of the seminar, though I have degrees and experience, I had to find a grad student or a faculty member to co-sign my proposal, because it wasn't open to staff. This has been the reoccurring theme. My merits are seemingly worthless. I am often asked to work below my potential and expected to maintain the status quo even when I know I could make it better. Again, words don't fully express my gratitude and joy at leaving this situation...but what is unexpected is my sense of failure.

I am warrior. I do the impossible. I decide what it is that I want and even when people tell me I have no aptitude to achieve it, that I lack ability, or that I just CAN'T do it for whatever reason, I ignore them and do what I want. People seem to love to tell me NO, but I love to see that look on their face when I succeed. I don't need them to believe in me. I believe in me. I know what I am capable of...and it's usually much more than others anticipate. So having grown accostomed to this type of continuous struggle, it is counter-intuitive for me to walk away. This is new for me. I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything and that what I did accomplish will be blown away in the next stiff wind. It's like building a sandcastle too close to the ocean...you know that tide is coming. I know that I am doing the right thing. I know it more each day, but it is hard to feel so invested in something and know I've made a choice not to follow through with it. How do you learn to let go, when you've spent a lifetime fighting to hang on, to stick it out, to perservere? All I want to hold onto is my happiness and my sanity, but this bit of sadness is sticking with me, at least for now. I guess this is my chance to learn something new.