Clarity is so short lived. I feel like when I have those moments I should just stop whatever I'm doing and take a picture or make a video or write it down because just as quickly, it disappears. Just last week I was very clear. I knew where I wanted to live and what I wanted to do and now in the face of other opportunities I am waivering (not about quitting my job...that is undoubtably the best decision I've made in many moons).
Next week I have a job interview for a position I applied for on a whim 3 months ago. The job pays well, is in my field, and theoretically could be very cool, but it's in Portland. There is no Slam in Portland. My taekwondo school doesn't have a branch in Portland. I don't have a lot of friends that live in Portland, but my Dad, who is like my best friend, lives there. It is nice. I just spent the weekend there. It's got that same blue green, metro-natural, pacific north-west vibe, plus there's no sales tax and they have some fabulous shopping. It's also not like it's super far from Seattle...but it isn't Seattle and it would mean lots of change.
There is a big part of me that wants to resend my application and ditch the interview. I mean I put it out there that I want to be here, that I want to take the time to do the writing I never take the time to do...and the Universe seems to be making this a fiscal reality, but a while ago I also put it out there that I would be interested in working on Study Abroad programs, making sure that people are having amazing, transformative experiences abroad. This job could be the chance for me to really do some cool stuff, but do I want to? If I had an definate answers, this would be much easier.
As one of my more logical friends pointed out, even though I am shortlisted, this is just an interview. It's like a date. I don't have to commit. It could be nothing. They might not like me. I might get there and hate them. Or it could be fabulous, I could get there and feel like I've accidentally stumbled onto my dream job...who knows? It's strange not to know what to hope for though.
I don't know if I believe in destiny or not. I believe in Inshallah...the will of God. I believe that I am on a journey and that there are certain factors or forces beyond my control that send me in directions I probably wouldn't have thought to go in on my own, but what part of this path do I get to choose and what parts does the universe conspire to create for me? I am always afraid to make the wrong choice, and lately this seems paralising. What if I'm wrong? What if I can't make it as a writer? What if I fail? What if I end up hating my job again? I was watching Akeelah and the Bee the other day and there is this quote about our deepest fear really being that we will be successfull. I totally disagree. If I knew I would be successful, I'm pretty sure I would stop freaking out. But I don't know. I only know that I feel compelled to try something new, to take a chance. The last big chance I took was moving out here with no job and not that much cash, but I did it and it worked out beautifully. I've found a community here, a home, but just because it's my home doesn't mean I have to stay. I could go and come back again or is home really the place you can never go back to because it will never be the same? I am irritating myself with this wishy washy mess. Enough.
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