It is a beautiful day in Des Moines, Iowa, proof that global warming is no bullshit. It should be snowy and nasty or at least dark and rainy right? The sky is blue, the grass is still green and though the trees have mostly lost their leaves, not even they seem overly stark against the backdrop of warm and sunny. But I am in a piss poor mood. It's November again. It always sneaks up on me. I never see it coming and then here it is and I am thinking about Robin and wondering when I will wake up and just get over it. Do you ever really get over it when your best friend dies? Do you ever stop wondering what she would be like now? Where she would live? Would she be married and have kids? Would she have ever made it to Australia? I don't stop wondering and all these years later I still feel that lump in my throat.
I ran yesterday and my whole body is telling me in no uncertain expletives that you can't just eat your way across several continents thinking that long walks and the occasional night of dancing counts as exercise. I am sore and bored and I want to go home, which is dumb because I don't have a home anymore. It's like wanting to go to Atlantis. You can want to go all you want, but it's not there.
Grandma is fine, kind of. Sometimes she seems good. She toasts her own bagels and is up and dressed before I can even start to think about getting up. But at other times she is just exhausted and can barely make it from one room to the next. The problem is the exhaustion is completely unpredictable. It's a bit scary, like the body she has lived in for the last 80 something years suddenly has it's own agenda and can break down at will. It makes me want to move, just to remember not to take it for granted that I can predictably get up and walk or dance or even run, as ill advised as it may be. I can't imagine waking up and suddenly not being able to do the everyday things I always do, but I guess now I don't have to imagine it. I'm seeing it and it is some kind of terrifying. What's it gonna be like when that happens to me? Will that happen to my parents? I'm an only child. Who the hell is going to help me out? I need to marry wealthy. I think that would help. Yeah, that's the solution. I'll get to work on that soon.
Grandma and I spent the weekend with my aunt running errands and getting me adjusted. Both of them took me out driving and I felt a bit like I was in Driver's Ed again. "The speed limit is 60 here. Take a right. No, not there, at the light...no the next light." I have now discovered the Dahls, the HiVee, the brand new Trader Joes, the Barnes and Nobles, the Borders (which is where I am now until my wifi situation gets sorted out) and even the Dress Barn. Now I just need to unpack my suitcase and figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. In the meantime I am drowning myself in books in between watching Dr. Phil and cooking up nutritious and delicious dinners. Last night was ginger pork chops with granny smith apples and red onions, a side of garlic mashed yams, and french cut green beans. This evening it's rosemary chicken with carrots and potatoes, a nice green salad, and some sweet red grapes. If only life were like dinner, I could just reach into the fridge and whip up something elegant.
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