Finally back in Portland, having come almost full circle on my epic adventure. The trip was awesome, but I am exhausted, so for the past few days I've been laying low, vegging out in Camp REJJ which consists of a Queen sized airbed, a Project Runway marathon and lots of smoked salmon on crackers. Last night, my dad managed to pull the remote out of my hand to take me to a birthday party for my Mexican baby cousin. What ensued was actually better than reality TV.
Backing up. About a year ago my Dad became the adopted Uncle of a family of Mexicans who own a construction company. We'll call them la familia Lopez (I have to change the names for the sake of the not so innocent). There is Rohalio, the patriarch who is actually my dad's age (but he doesn't use just for men, so he comes off a little older), and his sons George, Elvis, Mario, Willy, and Carlo and their various wives and girlfriends. It was Elvis' daughter's second birthday and of course as an honorary uncle, my dad (who I am now re-naming Don Geno) had to come.
"We're starting around 4:00pm," Elvis said.
So around 6:00pm we started getting ready to go...we've learned that much. Lopez parties are on CP time for reals.
"Where is it?" Don Geno asked.
"It's by this place...you know that place..."
"Elvis, what is the actual address?"
We never did get an address, just some cross streets which turned out to be wrong, but eventually we figured it out and arrived in the parking lot of a small white church. I could smell the meat grilling as soon as we got out of the car. Having been to a few of these BBQs. I was expecting a house party, something casual, but clearly I don't know enough about Mexican culture.
Attached to the church was a big white tent set up with a makeshift kitchen where five people were grilling up lengua, tripa, carne asada, carne al pastor, and I don't even know what else, to dish up in tacos that were even better than the ones from the taco cart in Wallingford...I mean quality...and with the little sliced radishes and cilantro avocado salsa. Yum. Up the stairs and inside was a birthday party on steroids.There was a large wooden dance floor with a stage, ringed with tables and chairs and a massive pink, white, and purple balloon gazebo. The gift table was heavy laden and in the center was a multiple teared pink cake with little princess action figures colonizing every layers. I never did eat any cake because several little hands made a fast break for the toys before getting intercepted by their parents.
Most of the children were in costume. Almost all the girls were some sort of princess. There were 3 Snow Whites, 2 Cinderellas, and a Jasmin. The boys were mostly super heroes or star wars characters with the exception of some very little boys who were clearly dressed by their moms: one as a duck and one as a giraffe. A few of the women had on costumes as well, and almost every woman, costumed or not, had on high heels. I felt under dressed. The men were in jeans and button down shirts with cowboy boots and hats and large belt buckles. And there I was in jeans and sneakers. Even if I had dressed up though, I still would have felt out of place. I mean I just can't blend.
My mom has the international African face, meaning that wherever she goes, no matter if it's Uganda or Ghana, everyone assumes she's from there and speaks to her in the local language. But for my dad, who is light skinned, he has what I call the Steven Segal miscellaneous brown ethnicity face. He can pass for everything...Indian, Eskimo, and of course Mexican. He's actually been practicing his Spanish to pull off the impersonation, but of course if it's anything more than Hola or La cuenta por favor...he gets busted.
We took a seat at the back table with the rest of the gringos if the family: George's wife who is White, Lonny and Chris, Lonny is Black and Chris is Chilean, as well as Lonny's daughter and grandson, plus Susy (Don Geno's coworker) and a few other Lopez brothers. The party got underway. The food was great. Elvis even went to Costco and bought Don Geno a veggie platter (since he is forever complaining about the lack of veggies at these affairs)and his own bottle of Tangeray (they know him so well). For the rest of us there was Azul tequila and real Coronas imported from Mexico. I usually feign an allergy to tequila after my own unfortunate experience in Mexico, but I had to toast la nina...so I took a shot and it was actually kind of fabulous...very smooth. Susy brought her own bottle of Crown Royal, which Lonny finished...Susy was not so happy about that. In addition to the bottle of Tangeray and the cup of ice, they also brought Don Geno his own metal shaker, so he poured Susy some gin to keep her happy. I told her not to drink it. She was warned.
Meanwhile the party unfolded in stages. First there was a DJ playing 70s soul music interspersed with Ranchero...which is the Mexican version of polka music. Then there were kids games, red light green light, and musical chairs. They even has a costume contest. Then I looked up on stage and the DJ had been moved aside to fit a huge Ranchero band. I don't know how all those people got on one stage. There were trumpets, trombones, an entire percussion section, and even a tuba. They played a few warm up songs that no one danced to, but that one very drunken lady yodelled to.
By then even more people had shown up. Have you ever been in a situation where you know way more about someone than you should? Before my epic adventure, Elvis and George took me out to lunch with Don Geno, Susy, and the very sexy Mario Lopez. It was there that I realized George and Elvis were trying to hook me up with Mario and also when I noticed Susy's interest in George. Don Geno confirmed later that yes, they had a thing going on. Did I mention that Susy is married with 4 kids and that George is also married with kids...and that said wife was sitting across the table from me and Susy not looking super thrilled to be there. Awkward. You can see where this is going right?
So the band played for a while longer and then, they took a break and a traditional mariachi band...dressed in all black with silver buttons down the sides of their pants took over. This was one hell of a second birthday. I can't wait til she turns 15. I want to see the party that's going to top this. The Mariachi band surrounded our table and serenaded us. Then, in a surprise move, George decided that he wanted to sing, so he stood up next to his wife and across the table from his lover. Someone gave him a microphone and he sang 2 fabulous love songs. I'll say this for him. He can sing...I mean really sing. But yeah...awkward.
So then the other band came back and became to play some very raucous ranchero. The lights came down, the strobe went up, my very very drunken new BFF started to yodel and stumbled onto the dance floor which seemed to signal that it was okay for everyone else to dance too. So up they went and Susy was second to the floor, led by the ever hot Mario Lopez. Can't claim I wasn't jealous. No disrespect to my Benji, but Mario Lopez is nothing but muscle. I once watched him pick up his brother Carlo and throw him onto the roof...like with his bare hands. Don Geno won't even arm wrestle him. He is the kind of dude who probably does one handed push ups for fun and man can he dance. While I'm not that big of a Ranchero fan, he made it look good. As soon as the song ended I got my turn. Wow what a dancer, and wow what a flirt. I felt conflicted...must have been the tequila. Still it was fun to be waltzed around a bit. When I sat down, Susy leaned into me and asked "Did you did your nails into his arms? 'Cause I did."
And the whole time I'm thinking if you had a shot at Mario Lopez (who is single and way better looking), what the hell were you doing with George? But I didn't say anything. I just smiled and let the yodeling girl sitting across from me pull me up to dance. Then the lights came back up and the cake got cut. George's wife disappeared. Then Susy excused herself to go to the bathroom. Mario Lopez asked me to dance again. DANGER. Thank goodness Don Geno was there...he keeps me honest. When the song ended, I came back to the table. Don Geno asked me to go check on Susy cause she was gone for a long time and looking a little wobbly, so I made my way across the floor and down the stairs to the bathroom, but she wasn't there, so I went outside, where it had begun to rain. Susy was smoking her seventh cigarette of the evening and fuming.
Me: What happened?
Susy: I went to the bathroom and when I came out some old bitch pushed me.
Me: What?
Susy: She pushed me. I mean seriously she put her hands on me and shoved me. So I came out here to smoke, but I'm just waiting for her to show up because I'm about to kick her ass.
Me: Um. Okay. Well I'm going back inside.
Susy: That's cool. I'm not asking you to get involved.
Me: Cool.
Susy: You can tell whoever you want. She shoved me. I don't even know why.
Me: Alright. I'm going in out of the rain.
I did an excellent job of keeping my mouth shut, but really I was thinking...so wait a minute. You show up at a family function for your lover, knowing damn well his wife is gonna be there. Then she figures out who you are and all you get is one little shove and you're pissed? You're dumb. No, you're lucky, because if I were George's wife, they would be calling the police on me. There...got to get that out of my system.
So I go back in and it's Don Geno's turn to take a bathroom break. When he comes back he leans in and says "You're not gonna believe this."
"What?"
"Susy is with Mario Lopez now."
Damn another fantasy ruined. So Susy wobbles in supported by Mario because she is now really really unsteady on her feet. He looks at me and asks me in Spanish "Estas contenta? Todos contentos no?" Are you happy? Everyone is happy right...and I'm thinking REALLY?! What a waste. But then I remember I have no business having an opinion about any of this. So I just laugh...because it is kind of funny and say yeah.
Though I'm not feeling particularly charitable, I get Susy seated, start her drinking water...which she promptly spills all over my leg. Then as Mario gets up to use the loo, some Mariachi dude starts macking on Susy. I mean it was annoying, but I must give her props for being a total playa. I try to get her to call her sister, because clearly she can't drive home, so she texts, but she is rapidly deteriorating. Finally I just take her phone and call her sister myself. She says she's on the way. Then, because it's way past Don Geno's bedtime, we make our goodbyes. Susy and Mario accompany me out. As I reiterate that Susy's sister is coming and that under no circumstances should she be allowed to drive anywhere...not that she could physically walk to her car even if she wanted to...Mario puts an arm around both of us.
"Estas diviertiendote?" Are you having fun?
"No." Not really. Maybe it's because I'm from Wisconsin and friends with a lot of women who can hold their liquor, but it's been over a decade since I've needed to babysit someone and I wasn't really excited about it. I mean come on. Grow up!
Mario looked surprised though and then as Susy tried to hug me goodbye, but in a shocking move her hug turned into her trying to bite my boobs. I was really thoroughly done with the evening at this point. I don't know if he was trying to lighten the mood or invite me to a threesome, but then Mario pulled down the top of his shirt and was like...if you need to bite someone bite me. That did make me laugh at least.
Goodnight kids. Have fun.
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