Mz. Blu has been a strange, but welcome presence in my life for the last two years. She is my friend, my roomate, and occasionally my big sister. One of her favorite hobbies, in addition to kicking people with wooden shoes and watching bootleg movies on-line is torturing guys she used to date. There is almost nothing, short of a banana milkshake, that brings joy to her faster than the prospect of watching an ex suffer. I used to think this practice was cruel and a waste of time, but I am beginning to realize I was wrong. Why, you ask? Because Mz. Blu gets over it. I mean it. Though her methods are sometimes drastic, she is able to move forward, and actually process her feelings, and most importantly she can let it go. She is practically floating for how baggage free she is, in that respect.
I on the other hand, hold onto shit with the GI Joe death grip. Even when I think I am letting go, or I spend time repeating in my head that I am letting go, I realize that this can't be what's happening because if I were truly letting go, certain things wouldn't bug me so damn much. So I had a bit of regression this weekend. I was mopey and moody and in general a miserable person to be around, but instead of letting me wallow, which is what I had hoped to do, Mz. Blue took me out for some Pies and Pints, and a couple of Washington apples (the drink, not the fruit).
Mostly she just laughed at me, and we talked about the Big Round Headed Loser, and my favorite illegal immigrant, and all the other not so recent exes that stay super glued to my subconscious in order to pop up in random dreams where I am trying to find them or trying to avoid them or just simply walking with them. I had one such dream a few nights ago, where I was being deported and packing my bags and running away, but then I had to go get my daughter, whose name I didn't know and who I had never met because apparently she lived with the Big Round Headed Loser. Dreams are so weird, but they helped me to realize that even though I changed my number, I erased all his pictures, and I avoid any location he might possibly be, I haven't really let it go.
Now here is why. I am a notoriously picky, closet romantic. I like to see the best in people, but if the best isn't working for me, I am quick to get rid of them. I don't treat guys like friends, because I get so attached to my friends that they can get away with way more than the people I date could. Well the difference is that with my last two boyfriends, I really fell hard. We became friends and I began treating them as such which means making allowance for all their many imperfections, but how much is too much? I'm still working that out, but at a certain point, even though I was still in love and still wanted to try, I hit my limit and I broke it off. But it was really weird and complicated because I was still so in love. Now, I'm not in love, but I feel like I never quite put myself back together all the way. So I went home and I cried and then Mz. Blu gave me some safety goggles and let me break all the bottles in the recycling bin, then we got dressed up and I put on my blue hair and we went out dancing where she promptly ran into the Big Round Headed Loser's new girl friend. To my credit, I kept on dancing (with the help of four WA apples and a seriously kick ass DJ), but the whole time I was thinking this sucks. How can he just get over it, and move on and manifest something new. But then I realized, it doesn't matter what he's doing. He's on his path and I'm on mine, but I just couldn't help having this moment of "if you really loved me, you could've tried harder to make it work. Do you love her enough to try or does she just let you get away with all your bullshit?"
So fast forward to the next day, when I was in a bad way from 5 or 6 too many apples, my favorite hair dresser called to see if I wanted to carpool to CSL, so I went and the topic was all about quantum leaps. According to Wikipedia "In physics, a quantum leap or quantum jump is a change of an electron from one energy state to another within an atom. It is discontinuous; the electron jumps from one energy level to another instantaneously." Being hungover and listening to science was a challenge, but I think I really got something out of it. If I'm the electron, even though I've only ever been one thing, something can happen and I can make a jump, I can change the pattern. This is all about the mental equivalent. Today I may not know how to let go. It just may be one of those genes I missed out on, but if I allow myself to meditate, not on the process, but on the actual outcome I can make the leap. I know if I focus on the process I will probably end up burning down my apartment from trying to burn symbols of what was, but if I can focus on what it is I want to get out of letting go, maybe I can make that leap.
So here is what I want. I want to be free. I want to be able to think about the past without dwelling on it or second guessing my decisions. I want to move into the future without the burden of all this overwhelming luggage I keep with me. I want to just let it go, so that the next person that comes in my life actually has a chance to just be that person...so that I'm not super-imposing all their bullshit onto my perfectly fresh start. I'm off to take a leap.
What
No comments:
Post a Comment