To teach or not to teach???

As my Cali trip comes to a close, I am left with a bit of a cold, some good memories, and a lot to think about. Am I good teacher? Sometimes. I like kids. That's got to count for something, and every once in a while they manage to remember some Spanish, so maybe I'm not a complete failure. But during the course of my week with 70 elementary school teachers at the Responsive Classroom Conference in El Cerrito, California, I found myself questioning my methods and also my path.

I don't remember the first time I taught a class. I remember my flight to Japan, waiting for Rexi in the lobby of the Keio Plaza Hotel and having the stunning realization that I was completely illiterate for the first time in my adult life. I remember arriving in my little rural town and making a speech in broken Japanese. I even remember my first day of school and how at the all school assembly every student was lined up in perfect rows by height, their black hair almost uniformly cut shoulder length, their dark eyes fixated on me. But as for my first class, I remember stepping inside the room and having the children scream because they had never seen a black person up close. The rest is a blur. I've never really fainted or blacked out, but there are huge gaps in my recollection of those first few weeks in Japan. Probably for the best.

I figured it out though. I learned how to teach well enough to get hired at various institutions around the world. And I just survived my first year as a Spanish teacher, with good reviews no less. But there I was, surrounded by "professional teachers" who had gone through certification programs and student teaching and all the other expensive flaming hoops they make you jump through to teach public, and I had a bout of insecurity. What did I miss out on? Are they better teachers for all that training or is that a myth? Am I missing the pedagogical training I need to be good...or to improve as a teacher? Do I have to go back to school? I shudder at the thought.

And then came the even bigger question: do I even want to be a teacher? I like it. It's fun. It pays the rent, but is this my calling? UUUUURRRRG. The closer I get to 30, the more I feel the need to have something figured out, like I'm on a timer or something. I keep thinking the "life police" are going to jump out of my closet and say "Time's up, either be an adult and pick a career or you have to go back to 20 and repeat it til you get it right."

I did meet some cool people at the conference. I shared a room with the librarian from my school, and that worked out beautifully. Her husband and daughter flew into town as our conference was ending and we had a lovely dinner together with my cousin and some friends from Madison who now live in Texas and happen to be summering in San Fran. It was a fun time for leisurely dinners and long trips on the BART. I had my first guitar lesson since 2000 and bought a beautiful sundress (and matching earrings). Then it was over and while I was able to get some good ideas and put together my tentative teaching goals for the next school year, I'm even further away from knowing what the hell I'm doing. I know I'll be a teacher next year, but then after that? Who knows, maybe I'll get a record deal or finally learn trapeze and join the circus. It's summer. I can't take anything too seriously. For now I'm just content to practice the new teacher tricks I learned and plan my curriculum for next year (which seemingly will include a few after school art courses).