First there was the dating. It must have been a New Year's resolution or an intention...hard to remember now, but I got it in my head that I actually wanted to go out on dates like people do on TV. You know where there is small talk and dinner, maybe a movie or a walk in the park and the guy pays for everything and is a good tipper and doesn't get drunk, ask for sex (on date 1...I mean really?!?!), or start calling you his girlfriend just because you shared some sushi. Clearly real life dating for me has been kind of hit or miss....but I had this idea. I'm going to go on dates. And that was step 1, so then came step 2...with whom? Hmm.
Well most of the people I see on a daily basis are under the age of 12 or over the age of 50. About 80% of the people I know in my age range are women...so of that 20% who are actually men (and not transgendered), most of them are married, gay, or have dated my friends in recent history (I don't do sloppy seconds). So, assuming work, taekwondo, and church are not all that viable in terms of me meeting suitable guys that leaves the grocery store, the library, clubs, and the occasional house party as my dating hunting grounds. So then there is the whole talking to strangers thing. How do you meet a stranger in this city? And I don't mean dude whose talking to himself and rocking from side to side on the bus. I mean a cutie who is about something and not scary. How do you know if someone is cool if he's a stranger? I mean Ted Bundy was apparently a cute, nice guy and I'm certainly not trying to bring him home to mom. So I began to solicit referrals.
I mean it's kind of obvious right? I know tons of people and they know tons of people, surely they know someone who I could spend an enjoyable TV-like moment with on a Saturday night. Did I mention most of my friends are women...yeah well, most of their friends are women too...or gay men, or gay women, or all manner of very cool people who aren't in my dating zone. So on to Plan B. The Internet.
I had a big aversion to online dating. Not only did it seem really impersonal, but it seemed to me that by increasing the amount of strangers I came in contact with, while the chances for dating went up, so did the potential for crazy people. While the friend referral system didn't really go that well, I liked the idea of my potential date already being vetted and vouched for by people I knew.
However, after K&B's wedding (they met online), plus Coco's triumphant return to dating (also facilitated by the Internet), and Mz. Blu's own success stories, I had to admit it seemed like I was the only one not online. Maybe it's a Seattle thing. I mean there are tons of socially awkward people out there...and while I'm not trying to date them per se...it could be possible that they have shifted our collective city consciousness into a state where it's just easier to meet people in cyber space. While annoying, I had to face the facts that my traditional methods weren't yielding the results I wanted. So with a lot of input from friends, I created a profile and "put myself out there".
Then I waited. And I waited. I began to receive a lot of blah blah blah from guys who addressed me as "Hey Baby" or "zup mama".... automatic disqualification. Then there were those who wrote in all capital letter or were unable to even put together coherent sentences in English. My favorite was a gentleman from Nigeria who wrote me an email he titled "We yo pepu". It was almost as funny as it was scary, but also totally frustrating and demoralizing because not only was I nowhere near my goal, but I felt even more like I was stuck in the middle of one of the Universe's practical jokes.
Finally I met 3 guys I could actually converse with....1 in Cali, 1 in NC, and 1 in Seattle. The 1 in Cali was very cool, polite, well educated, easy to talk to, but he turned out to be way out of my age range (he didn't post his age on his profile). While I was completing the fourth grade, he was having his first child. NC seemed promising, a little more traditional minded than what I would usually go for...but definitely sane and interesting. We decided to meet up in DC since I was headed there anyway for spring break. Well date day came and he called to say he had car trouble. Now I am realistic. I know that things come up. I didn't fault him for not being able to make it that day, but I was in DC for a week. If I could figure out how to get from Seattle to DC, surely if dude was really interested, he could figure out an alternate form of transportation be it greyhound or renting a car...but he didn't and though he promised to "make it up to me" he didn't do that either...and I need a man who is about his word and has some integrity. So then I came back to Seattle and after a few very intriguing phone calls, I finally went on a real date.
Date one was lovely. Seattle was very cute, charming...a gentleman, the kind that walks on the outside and opens doors (though not my car door...I think that's just my generation though). Moreover we had a good raport and chemistry. He was easy to talk to, well educated, funny, and full of good stories. But somehow between date one and date two, everything went awry. Never date a Gemini! The evil twin emerged. He became jealous and possessive (yes really by DATE TWO!). He expressed his disapproval of me going out salsa dancing with my friends, stating that any woman of his (wait what?!) would never hurt him like this. Is the theme song from Psycho playing in your head yet? It should be. There was more, including some very biting accusations about my character. The whole incident was very not cool, especially when after calling me out my name and insulting me, he then tried to cuddle with me. I kept having mental flashes of those Lifetime women's movies...you know the one where the guy seems all nice, but by date three he's pulling the Ike and Tina. UNIVERSE: when I said a TV like date...I meant good TV, not Jerry Springer. It was bizarre and totally freaked me out. I was left thinking WTF just happened?!?
Hence the vacation. I have been in WTF situations before and thrown a tantrum, promising to convert to lesbianism, or more realistically just to simply not date for the next decade. This time around I found myself asking IS IT ME??? I mean here I am studying the Law of Attraction and trying to raise my mental equivalent...which is the Gandhi like philosophy of being the change you want to see...but not just in the world, in your own life. If you want something to show up in your life you have to make space for it, cultivate the dream, ask the Universe to guide you in what you could be doing to shift your life into alignment with your dream. This is how I got rid of my crappy job and found one that has been awesome. This is how I came to live in this much bigger space in a fabulous neighborhood for way less than it would usually cost to live around here. I mean these principals had worked in so many other aspects of my life and yet here I was seemingly totally unable to have the dating experience I wanted. WHY? If your life and what's showing up in it are a reflection of who you are and what you're thinking, what was I think that kept making everything come up crappy?
Then a friend of mine kind of put some things into perspective for me. She said that it wasn't so much what was showing up, but how I was dealing with it that I should examine. She herself had spent 6 years in an abusive relationship before she built up the courage to leave. When I described my encounter with Psycho Seattle guy, she immediately recognized the potential for danger and implored me to get out (which I had already done). Old Afro would have given the cussout to NC and maybe not had enough self worth to ditch psycho Seattle quite so quickly, but new Afro escaped both situations much more gracefully.
I began to think about what else I could be doing differently and the first thing that came to mind was something I learned from this Zen Buddhist Monk on one of my visits to Japan. I was (stupidly) explaining to him my trouble with meditation and how I have the Monkey Mind that just gets louder and more obnoxious when I'm trying to be quiet. He laughed and made some sarcastic remark about nobody ever having expressed that problem to him before. I felt embarrassed and told him I would try harder. I would try my best. And he just laughed and shook his head and said don't try. Actually the translation is closer to don't fight. I thought about how much energy I had expended in my quest and how much better spent it might have been on my art or practicing taekwondo.
Instead of being all annoyed and swearing off men or re-doubling my efforts (and totally going the desperate route), I decided to do a big forgiveness ceremony. I forgave all those guys for wasting my time, for not being what I wanted or needed, and I even forgave Psycho Seattle for the mean things he said to and about me. Then I forgave myself for being so caught up in the drama, for letting myself believe (even for a moment) the lie that there is anything wrong with me, and in general for just not being gentle with myself. I can really be my own worst enemy sometimes.I also did some letting go. Why was I clinging so hard to having this specific experience? What was so important about dating the way I perceived "normal" people to date? What would it mean if I didn't, if I couldn't? Would I be a bad person or feel like an unwanted woman? Was I seeking some sort of validation? I didn't really know, but clearly it was time to think things through a little more thoroughly...to reassess what it was that I was really wanting.
So I decided to take a little dating vacation. I didn't set any specific timeline. I just decided to take a vacation. A vacation is a great time for self reflection. When you go on vacation you get to do what you want right? You get to plan fun excursions and get lost and stumble onto unexpected treasure. While on this trip, I found out that the empty void I'd been trying to fill was already full. I found me and reconnected with this uber cool life I'd been creating. I found a sense of joy...a deep centered feeling that is totally unrelated to anything external. I began to wake up happy for no particular reason. And with this renewed sense of vitality I went out and had fun. I finally learned how to meditate. I started painting more. I spent more time with friends. I got dolled up just for me. I even went dancing for the first time in ages. I danced until I got all sweaty and then laughed out loud because it just felt that good (and no I wasn't drunk). I danced and talked with strangers, but mostly with my friends, and it was great because I wasn't looking or thinking or feeling self-conscious or wondering what that hot guy was seeing when he looked at me. It was all irrelevant. I was still on vacation. And you would not believe how much I got hit on! But I liked the vacation so much I wasn't really trying to come back. Last Tuesday, after a solid month of being asked out by the same guy, I did come off of vacation for a nice dinner at Cedars...and he was sweet and it was decent, but I really think I'm ready to go back to just chillin' on my own for a bit more.Do I want to date? Sure...eventually, but for now I'm enjoying the trip.
No comments:
Post a Comment