Peace and Happiness Homework

Recently I have started attending Shoshana's church. I call it that, but it's not exactly an accurate description, as it is an interfaith worship space that honors and draws from not only the Christian tradition, but all the main, mostly monotheistic, faiths...Judaism, Islam, Buddhism...and what have you. I am still not quite what you would call a regular....my schedule and moods are what they are...but I am making an effort to go more frequently.

So early last Sunday, Shoshana and I made the pilgrimage across town. We got there just early enough to do a little meditation which for me and my monkey mind meant about 5 minutes of actual meditation and 20 minutes of jotting down thoughts in my notebook. Then there was music. The choir of lights performed and they were pretty fabulous and instead of our regular (priest? pastor? lecturer?) spiritual leader, we had a special guest...the head of all the churches. I forget her name, but she was good and interesting.

She gave us a bit of homework, which I have been working on all week...it's called a happiness exercise. We are supposed to envision a quarter of the world then fill it up with blessings of peace and happiness and then the next quarter and then the next until we have sent out well wishes to the entire earth. I found this to feel very intangible and I felt really insincere doing it, so I decided I was going to try a different approach. All week, from the time I get up in the morning, I have been mentally sending out peace and happiness vibes towards everyone I encounter. I get up hella early, then I catch a bus which drops me off about 20 minutes (walking-5 by bus) away from my job. I like the walk. I use that time to say my prayers, memorize my poetry, or just listen to my ipod.

So this week starting from when I stepped out of my door I silently wished people happiness. Sometimes I would add in peace or that they have a good day...just to change it up a little, but you get the idea. These well wish wishes extended from people just walking by to those driving by, then gradually this extended out to well wishing everyone in the stores I was passing or in the buses or those people who travel these same streets during the day. I have wished all of Seattle peace and happiness...first Seattle, then maybe the world.

What I have discovered is that it is very difficult to wish someone happiness and joy from a sincere space without smiling, so I have spent a lot more time smiling this week. Also, I like to look at people as I am wishing them well, which accidentally has resulted in more interactions with strangers than I am comfortable with. I intentionally build a barrier when I am out in public because I have a bit of weird people karma. I don't like to make eye contact if I can help it. I don't know what it is that people see in me, but if I walk around unguarded I attract a lot of cling-ons. Some people just want to chat, which is okay, though I am not always in the mood to chat, others seem to want something from me. I have had some creepy experiences. Though this week, with the exception of one mentally ill person and one homeless man that reeked of piss and stale alcohol, my interactions have been mostly positive. One of the guys I see on the bus every morning, and have seen on the bus every morning for months, greets me with a smile and tells me to have a good day when I get off...he never did that before. I have to wonder if he isn't responding unconsciously to me to day the same. It seems funny to me that I have disable my defenses to wish blessings on people, but I suppose it makes sense that I would have to be open to be connected. Hmmm. More discomfort.

Sometime somewhere I got it in my head that it would be easier to be a better person, that one could be a good person and not necessarily have to act on it, but the older I get the more I see that you are what you do and how you feel. You must respond accordingly. And that can get uncomfortable. As the day goes on, I become forgetful, then as I catch myself having negative thoughts towards people. I remember that I am trying to send out happiness, and it puts me back in a better frame of mind. It doesn't always work. Sometimes the people in question have irritated me so much that I find myself qualifying the happiness wish with internal comments like: "I hope you have a good day even though you're an asshole." "May God grant you happiness and the ability to use a turning signal before you kill six people with your stupidity." But hey, I'm working on it....and I guess that's got to count for something.