2011

As another year comes to an end, I find myself once more in a contemplative mood.In many ways 2011 has been good to me. I moved back to Seattle, began my career with a small non profit, visited Guatemala three times, and bought my first house. But it was not a year free from sadness or stress. Work, while rewarding has stripped me of my social life and left me feeling depleted and imbalanced. I also had to say last goodbyes to two very special people: my grandmother and my friend Anita.

All of these transitions, both for better and worse have left me wondering once more, is this all there is? Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I getting right? And for the millionth time I'm struck by the ambiguity of it all. But here I am, once more at the end of one thing and the beginning of the next, poised to move forward into the blank canvas of 2012, year of the dragon. Ready or not...

32 in GUATE

My birthday came and went with a flurry of disjointed celebrations. I took two days off from trip leading to hang out with my friends and experience Guate sans kids. There was dancing, tres leches cake, fireworks, horseback riding, and of course mojitos, but the highlight for me was going to el Cerro de Santa Domingo, this very cool sculpture park just outside of Antigua. It was late Thursday afternoon. Wendy, Paola and I had just had lunch at Cafe Condesa (french toast!)and we were headed to one of the Fincas (coffee plantations) for a tour on horse back, but it was too late. So instead, at the advice of a friend, Paola and I went to Santa Domingo.

We parked at the bottom of the hill than one of the staff called someone to come pick us up. We took an open air truck which drove us back and forth up and up the steep cobblestoned road. On either side were manicured lawns dotted with ocassional scultpures done in mosaic or like cutouts in metal. When we reached the top, we found ourselves in an indoor outdoor gallery. There were lots of animals made out of colorful mosiac...groups of snails, horses, birds, and all sorts of creautures and as we worked our way around the grounds we discovered murals, a giant bird cage filled with live parrots and quetzales (the Guatemalan national bird). There was a large outdoor chapel, and several other sculptures as well as an exhibit of large photos of local artists with their art.

It was so much fun to just wander around, but more than fun it felt inspiring and when I made it home to Dona Carola's house, I opened up a piece a writing I started several months ago and began to start working again. Here's to 32! I hope this year will bring more balance, more art, and hopefully a new house. I give thanks for every year I've been alive and I hope to live many more. Thanks to all my friends and family, new and old, for being such a blessing in my life.

3 Trips Later

Three trips later and I am coming up for air and finally remembering that I did have a life before GV, one that included singing karaoke, dancing salsa, kicking ass in taekwondo, finishing a novel, dating, and yes even this blog. While I haven't returned to everything, I am finally working my way back towards some type of work life balance. But once again that's on hold for my last trip of the year to Guatemala.

Here I am again in San Miguel, this time with a different crew, leading my first trip without my boss and without my Assistant Program Manager. It's me, three junior leaders (who are past participants on the trip who have served on our youth board), my Guatemalan staff, and 13 kids mostly from Seattle. The Intensive is a bit different from the Spring and Summer trips, partly because it is so small. After doing this with 40 kids, I am astounded by how much time we have. We don't have to hurry. Everything is easy. If I say "clap once if you can hear me", everyone claps and then there is silence...it's kind of magical.

Instead of dividing into 3 work teams, this group will stay together the whole time and rotate through Construction, Hospital, and Reforestation. Today was our second day of construction and I am ridiculously sore, but excited to see how much we've been able to accomplish since April...

So many things have changed since April. I remember landing in Guatemala City, just after Shoshana’s wedding. I had just pulled a muscle in my back at pre-wedding sunrise yoga, and spent most of my time in Kitty Hawk strung out on pain killers and wondering how in the hell I was going to drive back to Virginia then get on a flight to another country to lead a group of kids in manual labor. But I did. I made it, and there was Hector, a driver from the language school who is now my friend, waiting there with a sign for me. We drove mostly in silence to the GV office and when I arrived the entire group was there and my trip began. I didn’t have time to be hurt or to feel awkward or even really to process the fact that I had arrived in this place I wanted to go for years.

Back when I was at the job that sucked my soul, I met a woman who founded a program based in Guatemala. She was also friends with people who were part of Witness for Peace, an organization that brought US citizen to Guatemala to monitor the elections and to be advocates, saying the things many indigenous people might be murdered for. It was something I both feared and felt drawn to participate in…a way for me to use my US American privilege for good rather than evil, but then, as life tends to do, something else came up.

And so finally, years later I made it to Guatemala with a group of 40 boisterous, funny, intelligent, uniquely diverse teenagers. It was a trip of many firsts, both for them and for me-a special journey that I won’t soon forget, but now here on trip three, everything seems different. I’m starting to know where things are and how long it takes to get from one place to another. When I walk down the street, there are many familiar faces. But instead of feeling a special recognition of Guatemala, I guess I feel like I am really recognizing myself in my life. This is the thing I’ve wanted to do for a long time, to work in a Spanish speaking country, to work with teenagers (especially kids of color), to take them abroad and expose them to new things. And even when I’m tired and cranky, or wish I could sleep in my own bed, eat a meal that doesn’t include black beans and corn tortillas, or just have another 15 minutes to read, I am so very grateful for this opportunity to be here and now.

Reflections from my First Trip to Guatemala with Global Visionaries

Update 1:We arrived in Guatemala and went directly from the airport to the Guatemala City Dump—the largest and most toxic in Central America. For experienced GV staff like Chris Fontana, Mario Flores, Aurelio Hernandez , and Noah Ziechner, it is astounding and distressing how much the canyon has filled over the course of the seven years that GV has been visiting.

When describing the experience in a group journal, one of the participants wrote, “Like a good friend of mine said, ‘life is nothing without a journey’. Speaking of a journey, when we got to Guatemala, the first thing we did was stop at the cemetary to walk through and see the dump. We had to walk in silence and just watch everything. When I saw tons of people down in the dump I truly appreciated what I have back home. It’s hard to see people that don’t live like we do in the US. It’s hard for me to know that I take so much for granted.”

Another participant wrote, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt so powerless and so powerful at the same time. My heart and soul wept for what has happened, however my spirit is empowered to make a change, even from a place as far away at the United States.”

GV participants met their home stay families upon their arrival to the GV headquarters in San Miguel Escobar, Guatemala and spent the day getting to know them.
“I love my homestay family. They are so sweet and being with them has already pushed me out of my comfort zone. Speaking Spanish and staying in someone else’s home, sharing life in a different language is intense, but it’s so great. I love seeing them smile. I just wish I knew more Spanish,” wrote one student.

Sunday morning we visited San Antonio Aguas Calientes, a Cakchikel Mayan village and hometown of Sandra Ordoñez. The participants spent the morning in the Mayan Cultural Arts Center, a women’s cooperative dedicated to preserving the traditional arts of their Mayan culture. Whitney, a GV Gap Year student, and two bilingual GV students, Iris and Tanya, translated the presentations.

In another activity, the students were able to experience a traditional Cakchikel wedding ceremony demonstration, in which Morgane and Daniel got “married”. Diaba and Van served as the bride’s parents. After the demonstration, we danced and ate pepian, the tradional wedding meal (think: rich Mexican mole sause except different).
We then travelled to Pastores, specificallySegunda Cruz, where from 2007 to 2009, GV volunteers worked to together with local families to build a three-classroom school.
We passed time with local families in their homes, playing soccer with the kids and getting to know how life is in a small rural village in Guatemala where the average family income is $8 a day and where families live in one or two room homes of cinder block walls and tin roofs.

Monday we started work and intensive one-on-one language classes at Centro Linguistica La Union. We also began work on our work teams. So far everyone is doing well.

Update 2:
It is another gorgeous day in Guatemala, warm with a nice breeze. Today I woke up at 6:00am just as the sun was cresting the hills. Hot coffee and a plate of spicy black beans and eggs scrambled with tomatoes awaited me, along with a smile and a kiss on the cheek from my homestay mom Dona Carola.

My home is a modest, but lovely collection of rooms centered around a large open air courtyard filled with trees, flowers, and large statues of the Virgin Mary. Dona Carola is the mother of seven grown children and the grandmother of thirteen. Three of her children still live in the community and are host families to some of the students. The other four live in the United States, so she understands English perfectly, but we speak in Spanish. She tells me about life in Guatemala, her family, and of course about whatever we are eating, which so far has been consistently delicious, from the homemade tortillas to the fresh limeade.

After breakfast, I get dressed in my work clothes and make the rounds to collect my half of the construction work team. The group has now mastered greetings in Spanish, so as I stop by each house, we greet one another. Next, it’s a quick walk down the cobblestone roads, past the church (which like so many churches is filled with people celebrating Holy Week) to the GV office. Even though we’re early, by the time we arrive many of the Chapines (Guatemalans) are already there and seated on the steps in front of the office. While I meet with the Chapin leaders, the students greet their friends.

Morning is one of my favorite times of the day because we are all together and I get to eavesdrop on all the gossip. There are some of us who are tired and crabby and others who are super excited and ready to get going.

Last night, after language lessons, we had our first salsa and merengue class with Carmen so many kids started their day by practicing their moves, while others were learning new words in Spanish and trying to translate games to their Chapin friends. After this brief introduction, we split into work teams and loaded up the bus.

The Construction team is building a school in Santiago Zamora, a small town in the hills just outside of Antigua. It’s a beautiful, but bumpy ride out of San Miguel Escobar and through the streets of Antigua which are decked out with purple flags heralding Semana Santa. It’s All Saint’s Week (Holy Week) in Guatemala. Since the country is primarily Catholic, you can smell the incense wafting from open chapels and sometimes you can hear bands playing for the Velation. Everywhere, there are re-enactments of the Passion of Christ, complete with music and beautiful rugs made from plants and flowers or colored sand and saw dust.

On the ride to our work site, I try to soak it all in, while Cesar and Billy (part of our GV Guatemala staff) lead games or ask questions to spark conversation between the Chapines and the “gringos”. When we arrive at the work site, everyone files out of the bus, sharing the burden of carrying out jugs of clean water and snacks. Then we circle up for icebreakers and to talk about the work of the day. We are building a new school.

Although most Guatemalans are on vacation this week, we have been joined by many members of the San Antonio community, who have graciously offered their help. Some are teachers. Some are young people whose younger siblings might attend the school. Yesterday we were joined by a woman and her two children who will attend the school once it’s constructed. Today the principal came and worked with us.

It’s hard work. Some of us, like Cora and Clint, spent the morning pounding holes into concrete, while other like Diaba and Taylor worked hard to haul dirt and rubble. I spent my morning harassing kids to drink more water and cutting 130 strips of re-bar to be shaped into squares and fitted around the steel beams that will be the foundation of the school. By break time we were all dirty and sweaty, but despite broken nails and sore muscles, everyone was laughing and joking.

I had the pleasure of sitting next to Don Ambroso, one of the men teaching us how to work. He shared a bit of his story with me and gave me a much clearer perspective. “Alli hay mucha tierra, pero pertenece a la Finca,” he said in Spanish. “Over there,” he pointed to the flat lush land just below San Antonio, “there is a lot of land, but it belongs to the Finca [the coffee plantation]. Much of the flat land that is easy to build on is used to grow coffee. So the land where many would build houses is expensive and unavailable which means a lot of people have had to move into the hills.”

The problem is that the population has outgrown its resources. The children must travel pretty far to attend school. That is why it is so vital that we help build this school. Already there are more than enough children to fill it, some of whom make the long trek to Antigua, and others who simple don’t go. Don Ambroso was only able to finish the 3rd grade before having to leave school to help support his family.

I have been around the world. I’ve lived and worked abroad for several years, but here I am surprised to realize there is still so much I have left to learn, still so much work left to be done. And though I am tired and sore, I’m also energized, not only by the work we are doing, but by watching our kids form community. Not only are they working super hard on the physical stuff, but they are diligent about speaking Spanish and really making an effort to get to know their families and their Chapin counterparts.

What I am experiencing is the reason I so desperately wanted this job to begin with…I get to watch kids make those connections, to have those break through moments. Yes, there have been some upset stomachs, some brief moments of homesickness, or more general irritation from being tired or not having much alone time, but all of that seems insignificant when we come together for reflections and kids start talking about what they are learning and how they are changing.
Don’t take my word for it. Here are some of the things the kids have written in the group journal over the past few days:

“Today was an amazing cultural enlightenment experience for me, and I think everyone on the trip. I was really proud of everyone’s respect and kindness towards all the Guatemalan people. I was glad, as a leader, I never had to think about encouraging someone to be more compassionate, courteous, or respectful. Being leader of the day was fun and I felt a lot of support from my fellow leaders. I stepped completely out of my comfort zone during the time when we met the families of the village Segunda Cruz.”

“For all of my life, up until the most recent years I have always found myself fitting into a leadership role. For some reason over the past two years or so, I have become more introverted. Today definitely helped me get over that more and helped to build more self-confidence. My favorite part of the day was the reflection at the end because I felt as though I succeeded with all the important points I wanted to hit as a leader, the most important one being to treat everyone the same despite the added authority and responsibility of being a leader of the day."

“Experiencing the Hospital for the first time was really challenging, but rewarding at the same time. In a sense, simply visiting the hospital and working with the patients was taking a step out of my comfort zone. I had never experienced anything like it before and it was a shock at first. I was initially overwhelmed by seeing the things we were seeing, and I was bombarded with emotion: shock, sadness, sympathy, and even anger at the injustice of it all. But as we continued through our work and spent more time with the patients, I started to see another side. Some of the patients were clearly and outwardly happy, despite their disabilities and their somewhat lonely lives. It was especially rewarding when I was able to make patients happy by simply spending time with them.”

Update 3: Today was Good Friday, the holiest day of the Catholic calendar. The crucifixion of Christ was commemorated all over the world, but especially in Guatemala. Antigua hosted the largest celebration in the country and GV participants were right in the heart of it.

This was the first day we’ve had without the Chapines, our Guatemalan youth counterparts who have been joining us for our work teams. While there is some time each day for whole group activities, we spend a great deal of time in our work teams (Hospital, Construction and Coffee respectively), so today we broke into smaller mixed groups to better navigate the processions and to allow the participants to spends some time with different people.

It was lovely to take a break from cutting re-bar and digging trenches to just wander around and soak up the sights and sounds of the cobblestone streets of Antigua. Alfombras (beautiful rugs made from colored saw dust or sometimes pine needles, berries, or flowers) spread out around the city awaiting the procession. The processions consist of hundreds of people in purple and black robes walking through the city carrying huge elaborate floats on their shoulders. There were floats with Christ on the cross and others with the Virgin Mary, all colorful and intricately decorated. Some are so large it takes 60 people to lift them and they march all day and into the night followed by large marching bands playing traditional tunes.

As we neared the procession, the air became heavy laden with incense and filled
with bells from the roving ice cream carts. We watched the procession from as close as we could manage to get, given the massive crowd.

In the evening we returned to San Miguel to see the procession there, which was much more intimate. On our walk we met many people from the town. Some students even got to help their host families create their alfombras.

While the alfombras of San Miguel were slightly more understated that the ones in Antigua, and some had been smudged or washed away by the afternoon rain, there was a sacred hush that settled in around us as we stood close to one another waiting for the procession to pass. This time we were in the front row and it made the experience that much more real.

In the afternoon, in between processions, we had lunch with our home-stay families and then reconvened at the GV office for a whole group reflection. Every few days we’ve come together in our work teams to reflect on our experiences here.
Participants have shared both their good and challenging moments, their small triumphs in their efforts to communicate in Spanish and to make connections with their host families and the Chapines on their work team. While these have consistently been rich and satisfying conversations, being all together proved to be a much more powerful experience.

It’s day nine of our trip, which means there has been just enough time for the newness to wear off and for the exhaustion of all the work and travel to sink in. Some seem immune to it all and are able to approach each day with an inexhaustible optimism and thirst to see and do more, but others are a bit homesick and overwhelmed by what this trip has been for them.

For some, Guatemala is their first time away from their families. For others, it is their first time away from the comforts of a first world nation. Despite months of preparation, there is still no way to truly prepare to be immersed in another culture. There is a certain amount of discomfort that is inherent in this type of experience, but it is when participants are less comfortable that the deepest learning and transformation occurs.

Out of respect for the group’s privacy, I won’t go into detail about our discussion other than to say that it was one of the moments I have felt the most clarity on exactly what it is we do in GV and why it is so very valuable. It was an honor to share in the reflections of our participants and to know that I was a part of the team that helped create this opportunity.

Backing up to the last few days, the Construction and Coffee teams both had two
special visitors, Mark McDermott and Diane Zahn, two diplomats for peace based in Washington State. Mark is also the brother of Jim McDermott, one of our state representatives. They briefly shared a bit about their travels and acknowledge the excellent work our participants are doing here. They look forward to meeting more of the GV community at our auction next month.

So much happens every day, I can hardly do it justice. The kids will have plenty to share when they get home. Here are some reflections from our leaders of the day:

“Today was a very good day. As a whole group, I think we for sure created bonds. At the beginning of the day I think everyone was excited and as we made our way to Antigua, the excitement grew. We all had such a great time watching the processions and getting ice cream and building carpets (alfombras).”

“After lunch, we had our all group discussion. It was another one of those discussions that most of us will never forget. It was hard for me to control my crying. We all became one today. You could feel the love everywhere, as stupid as that sounds. All group discussions are a must. We have to do it again. It brings us together in ways nothing else can. And its nice to know that others are going through similar situations."

“Today has been one of those days where you really feel as though you really found out what life is all about. Now that may be an exaggeration, though that is how I feel. Before I went on this trip, I came across a quote which said: ‘You only know what you were born for when you find out what you would die for.’ This trip has been the most opening experience of my life so far, and every bit of it will stick with me forever. Words can’t explain it and no one will understand it until they go through it themselves and step in other people’s shoes around the circle and hear their stories.”

Update 4: I can’t believe we’re already in the second part of our trip. Semana Santa culminated with a bang, literally, as we were all awakened at dawn on Easter Sunday by celebratory fireworks. The end of the week also meant the end of language school. Students wrote thank you speeches in Spanish and took lots of pictures with their teachers.

The next day I was subjected to what I am renaming “group leader boot camp”. Those of us who are in shape really enjoyed hiking up to San Antonio Aguas Calientes to care for newly planted trees. The rest of us enjoyed being at the top and sharing a snack (courtesy of the city)before we worked together with our Chapin counterparts to fill up plastic bottles from a natural spring to water the new trees.

Between work teams and group reflections, we visited a coffee plantation to see how coffee is grown and processed. We also visited Maya Pedal, a non-profit committed to promoting eco-sustainability by turning recycled bicycles into pedal-powered machines.

Yesterday we were joined once more by Mark McDermott and his wife, Diane Zahn. We watched the movie “When Mountains Tremble” and had a very in-depth discussion about Imperialism and the role of the United States in the 36 year civil war that claimed so many Mayan lives in Guatemala.

Below is what Kale Reb, one of our spring participants wanted share about her trip so far:
“So far this trip to Guatemala has been incredible, physically, mentally, and emotionally. For me, the beginning of this trip was difficult. For one, I was home sick and two, the general trash dump in Guatemala City made me hurt. Looking down at the trash piles, I knew I helped contribute to them. However, I can say that when I saw all that trash, I knew I had to do something about it. That was just the start. Later on during this past week, I learned more about the culture of Guatemala from my host family and my Spanish teacher, Johanna, at the language school.

I was touched by my home-stay parent, Reyna, who doesn’t know how to read or write. When she told me, my heart broke. This beautiful Guatemalan woman and mom did not have what I take for granted. It’s people like Reyna who need to be heard, helped, and appreciated. That moment is when I decided I knew what I want to do, I want to be a journalist; a journalist who gives a voice to those who cannot speak and those who want to speak but are afraid of possible consequences.

The days following enforced this plan in group reflections, in school, with my home-stay on the construction work team. All of it. All these moments are painting my future, what I want my future to look like.

To bring the trip up to date: Yesterday we went on a couple tours and then went to see a documentary called ‘When Mountains Tremble.’ The documentary was about the people in Guatemala and the oppression placed on them by the United States and Guatemala’s own people. The stories in this documentary made me cry…seeing that even trying to help your community during this time led to death as a punishment. It was so incomprehensible to me. The idea of helping out leading to death is a clear flaw in terms of justice. I hope that this next week I will learn how to right these injustices the best I can and to continue to enjoy myself here in Guatemala. I want to take what I learn back to the United States.One more week! We’ll work hard and continue to learn. Until then, adios.” –Kale

Written when I should have been sleeping...

How can I prepare myself for the loss of you?
Even as I watch your slow undoing,
the unmendable cracks and fissures surfacing
like ice in Spring bleeding water,
then reforming in the chill of night
only to melt in the morning sun.
Are we all Icarus?
Rising too high in flight,
or never high enough,
never far enough to sate the yearning.
The journey is always too short
and I will never forget the words
you said to me...
reaching hard for an explanation
that might suffice
to why I could not follow,
could not visit
in the place where you would go,
not another sterile hospital room,
not another cold facsimile of comfort
with too much citrus
masking the stench of decay
and that thing we never talk about honestly
even as our minds recognize the smell.
You said: I can't know you right now
and astonished me once more
with the articulate nature of your bouts of clarity.
Even when it seemed your mind had been redrawn by Picasso,
each cubic molecule rearranged and painted
in an unrecognizable constellation
I would not know you
the way I wished I could,
with the compassionate understanding of a friend
born of the same time,
but I loved you still
for the usual irrational reasons:
warm hugs, saltine crackers, and peppermint,
a shared appreciation of Christmas trees tied in ribbon
My whole lifetime of stories and holidays.
Is it greedy to want more?
Is it selfish to wonder
what we would have thought of one another
if we could really know each other
outside the constructs of our birth order.
Instead I remember the warmth of your hand in mind,
the paper softness to your skin,
the gentle strength in your voice
when you would read to me,
only to realize that I have known you,
and the knowing
will outlast the pain
of never
knowing
you
long
enough.

Work Life Balance

Is there really such a thing
when work and life actually come to a balance?
where you aren't at one
thinking about the other?
at Happy Hour coming up with Trainings
At meetings wishing you were at Happy Hour
Guess I'm not there yet...

2011: A New Year

This weekend I went to Vashon Island with 41 kids I'll be taking to Guatemala in April. During our retreat, we did some service work around Camp Sealth. Yesterday was the first time I've ever chopped fire wood. Having grown up in an apartment without a fireplace, I guess I had never really needed to know how, but there I was, axe in hand, trying not to look goofy in front of the kids. Our guide, demonstrated the appropriate technique, explained the physics, and showed us how to be safe. Then we just kind of had to figure it out. The first time I struck the wood, nothing happened. The second time I knocked it off the platform. This continued for a while, me futilely trying to split a chord, and the wood clearly not cooperating. It was getting embarrassing. I asked for tips and help, but in the end, I just had to keep working at it and finally after about the 30th stroke the wood cracked and then I hit it twice more and it split completely.

That's how I feel beginning 2011. Like I spent most of last year trying to figure things out, and wrestling with wanting my life to be different and then suddenly as the new year began, all that futile banging stopped and whatever barriers or mental blocks I've had, have split right open.

I left Des Moines on December 30th. My grandma is doing much better now. When I arrived in Portland Coco and Mz Blu came to ring in the New Year with me. It was great to see them and to be back with my Dad, but I could feel all this anxiety, because my trip had come to an end and I needed to get a job and have some answers about my life that I still hadn't come up with. But I decided to take a week to just veg out...to have happy hour and watch bad TV and just be with my friends and family before starting all over again. 4 days into my week, I got a call from the Director of a small non-profit in Seattle. I had applied for a position there more than a month ago and received an email stating that the process was closed. Apparently it wasn't and he wanted to interview me.

I got that call on Monday, interviewed by SKYPE on Tuesday, was on a train to Seattle on Wednesday and interviewed twice more on Thursday and Friday. By Friday afternoon I had a new address and a new job. The thing is, it's not just any job, it's the job I've been wanting since before I went to grad school. I am now the Program Manager for a small non-profit that empowers high school kids to become global leaders through social justice and environmental sustainability trainings and service learning projects in Seattle and abroad. These kids come from all over the city...different schools...and are a truly diverse mix. I am finally working in International Education...finally utilizing my degree and experience...and finally getting the chance to take kids of color and kids who are economically disadvantaged on trips abroad. This weekend was my first chance to meet my group and they are truly and amazing, inspiring group of committed young leaders. I feel honored to know them and to have this opportunity to really live my own personal vision. It is so good to be home and back in my Seattle community, and special to feel like I have finally created a place for myself that I can really invest in.

Now, for my next trick...figuring out my love life. Stay tuned.