A Bad Week

What do you do when everything turns sour? I'm still trying to figure out what exactly happened, but systematically, in almost every area of my life last week, things went wrong. And of course, not one to be half-assed about anything, things went wrong in a big way. Work didn't go well, my boss and I had some serious disagreements that had to be mediated. I got into a fight with my taekwondo instructor. I had a falling out with a friend. And everything was gray and rainy. I didn't want to get up in the morning and I just felt bad...like really bad, like when your feet get cold and you can't get warm and your body just gets sore and over tired.

So what happens when it all fall apart? When you can't cheer up. When all the things you want to change are completely our of your control and all you can do is try not to step on people in your attempt to stand up. Sometimes I wish I weren't an adult. As a kid I didn't like feeling like I didn't have control, but I accepted it, because that is the nature of being a kid. You don't get to choose. Adults say "because I said so" and that is all there is to it. It's frustrating and annoying, but finite, whereas adulthood is a continuous burden of knowing you are at choice and feeling terrified that you might choose wrong. And then what? It's all your fault. No one to blame. No one to come in a fix everything.

So I spent a great deal of time sulking and sleeping. Coco and I went to Portland for a weekend of Happy Hours with my Dad and then I came back and did what big girls do...I went to work and talked to my bosses. We worked out our issues and they apologized, and I feel a little better, but it is a good reminder for me that I am meant for other things. I went to taekwondo and worked out hard and resolved my issues with my instructor. I told my friend the truth of what I had been feeling, but never known how to articulate, and I'm not sure where we stand, but I feel better for having been honest and done my best to do right by myself and everyone else. This week is better. Nothing is quite fixed or perfect or even over, but I realize like everything, this was an opportunity for me to practice being a better person. It's easy to be a good person when everything goes your way, when everything is light and easy. It's not so easy, when life is real and complicated. But here I am anyway, doing the best I can with what I've got as who I am.