Since Shoshana first introduced me to the Center for Spiritual Living, I knew it was something special, but I was hesitant to get involved. Though I felt really moved the first time I attended a service, I also felt a little uncomfortable, like it was just a little too "woo woo" for a sarcastic God questioner like myself. Still, I couldn't help but go back. I liked the music and the message was always so on-point. Then one Sunday I happened to be there for a prayer service. The prayer services take place about once a month. Instead of there being a little meditation, some singing, and a sermon, everything is combined into one continuous prayer. We don't just talk about praying or leave a silent space to fill in with your own prayer, we pray together, out loud and it is very powerful to put the theory into practice. I can't really describe it properly, but the feeling is one of complete connection to God and to everyone and everything around you. The service was both inspiring and transformative in a way that made it impossible for me to ignore. I knew then that I had found what I had been missing, so I signed up to take Beyond Limits, the first in a series of spiritual foundation courses.
During the past 2 months, I have spent 3 hours every Monday night studying the science of the mind. In addition to learning about the history of the church, there was also ample opportunity to read about the philosophy and beliefs of religious science and to ask questions. For the first few hours, we had class in a large group, then we split up into small groups.
In the beginning the small group was very challenging for me. I am by no means a shy person, but I am a very private person (as private as you can be when you have a blog :) ) and my relationship with God is probably one of the things I am least likely to talk about to a stranger. Naturally I was very uncomfortable.In the big group there seemed to be a little more anonymity. You only had to speak if you felt moved to do so, and there were so many other people who had plenty to say and seemed to feel no hesitation at sharing (in depth) their whole spiritual histories. But in the small group there was nowhere to hide.
I really got a lot out of the readings though, and gradually as I began to meet people and speak with them individually I began to feel more comfortable sharing and asking questions. Moreover I began to make connections with the people in my small group. I think there is something about praying with and praying for someone that bonds you. My class ended last week, and yesterday I attended the 3 hour membership class and became an official member of CSL.
So what does that mean? It means that now I have responsibilities. I am invited to contribute to the community, not just financially, but by volunteering my time and gifts. I am also invited to avail myself of more in depth classes that will help develop my spirituality. I have to admit, once I was in class and we were reading through the commitments and our value statements, there was nothing I disagreed with, but I still felt the vestiges of my previous panic because I was basically throwing away my right to anonymity. I am now a part of the community in an official capacity.
During the first week of my Beyond Limits class we had an assignment to bless everyone that we ran across during our day. I tried this...though admittedly by the middle of the day I kind of forgot to keep it going...but one thing I noticed was that it is impossible to bless someone that you are ignoring or trying to keep at a distance. I don't know if it's because I don't know how to bless someone without looking at them and that eye contact becomes a catalyst for them to want to connect with me or if simply acknowledging someone on a spiritual level automatically creates a connection. I guess that's what joining CSL has been like. I tried to keep my distance, but I couldn't do both. I either had to accept that I had been called to be a fully integrated part of this community that has fed and renewed my soul or I had to let it go. I made my choice and I know it is a departure from my upbringing, but the best choice for me in my here and now.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
More pics
The Emerald City.
Oban Festival in Japan (the woman to the left of me is Shoshana...I didn't do that on purpose, but it turned out perfect).
A real artist?
I spent a great deal of the spring and the beginning of summer joyfully immersed in painting and writing. I wrote poems and pulled out unfinished projects and started a series of paintings that read like a journal of my time in Seattle. They are happy explosions of texture, color, gloss and glitter. And it was wonderful to spend my time creating, but then I stopped. It didn't happen on purpose, but after spending a season on the mike slamming and the completion of my first art show, I was kind of done being public with my art. Moreover I was traveling locally and chillaxing of my very awesome staycation.
Now, in September, almost two months into my new job, I am working on balance. I am making time for yoga and taekwondo, classes at the Center for Spiritual living, and of course work, but it has been hard to find a spare moment between catching up with friends and sleeping enough to get through my days. Just now I am coming back into balance again and while I still haven't figured out my writing schedule, I have started painting.
I'm currently working on a series for Dia de los Muertos...ironicly inspired by my teaching (I am obsessed with how to make sugar skulls).Though my first show was amazing...for me anyway... I was a little bummed about not selling anything. I wondered if I could still be considered a "real artist", which I pretty much decided I could because there are plenty of "real artists" that never sell anything. But then, last week, very randomly, I sold my first two painting, The Old Man Fish which is a long orange and yellow coy on a teal background with a face like an old man and Strange Fruits a fanciful self portrait of me as a butterfly stretching forth from a golden cocoon hung from a tree (named after song, to for once give the name a positive connotation).
But going back to being an artist, this is all still really new for me. I have so many new titles now. More than just my job transition, I feel like my whole life is transitioning. I feel like I am at choice, which means that my life if beginning to really reflect what I really want as opposed to that feeling of obligation or irritation at all the things I think I have to do. I am choosing to teach, to write, to paint, and to live inside the joy of these choices and it feels awesome. Below are some of the photos from my first show.
Now, in September, almost two months into my new job, I am working on balance. I am making time for yoga and taekwondo, classes at the Center for Spiritual living, and of course work, but it has been hard to find a spare moment between catching up with friends and sleeping enough to get through my days. Just now I am coming back into balance again and while I still haven't figured out my writing schedule, I have started painting.
I'm currently working on a series for Dia de los Muertos...ironicly inspired by my teaching (I am obsessed with how to make sugar skulls).Though my first show was amazing...for me anyway... I was a little bummed about not selling anything. I wondered if I could still be considered a "real artist", which I pretty much decided I could because there are plenty of "real artists" that never sell anything. But then, last week, very randomly, I sold my first two painting, The Old Man Fish which is a long orange and yellow coy on a teal background with a face like an old man and Strange Fruits a fanciful self portrait of me as a butterfly stretching forth from a golden cocoon hung from a tree (named after song, to for once give the name a positive connotation).
But going back to being an artist, this is all still really new for me. I have so many new titles now. More than just my job transition, I feel like my whole life is transitioning. I feel like I am at choice, which means that my life if beginning to really reflect what I really want as opposed to that feeling of obligation or irritation at all the things I think I have to do. I am choosing to teach, to write, to paint, and to live inside the joy of these choices and it feels awesome. Below are some of the photos from my first show.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
First Day of School
I never feel ready,
but I am.
It seems like everything
will always be new
but newness fades,
gives way to familiarity
both comforting and
stifling
and here we are again
the reoccurring
dream
of
a
dream
of
a
dream
like two mirrors
facing one another
an infinity
of repetition
until....
nothing
new happens.
Okay so that was a pretty crappy impromptu poem...forgive me, I haven't been slamming and I have written any poetry since the beginning of summer so I am out of practice. I'm also tired, but a good tired. Today was the first day of school technically. There wasn't class, but at 3:00pm all the students and their families came to visit their classrooms. I was astounded to be able to see the actual hallway walls, which I haven't seen in weeks. The hallway has been a living storage closet of emergency preparedness supplies, text books, mystery furniture and broken file cabinets. And then miraculously it all went somewhere...and the classrooms and offices that just yesterday looked like poorly organized garage sales came together, clean, shiny, and with the inviting glow cast by new smart boards, new classroom computers and books, books, and more books. I love the beginning of school, when everything feels manageable. I'm ready, ahead in my planning even after creating my design for the year and finishing my monthly syllabus.
It was awesome to see the kids again. Some I know and some are new. The ones I know seem very excited to have me as a teacher. I keep wondering if they'll feel the same when they find out how hard I'm going to work them. :) I met a whole bunch of parents and lost two name tags before I gave up on trying to identify myself. Then there was an all school picnic. My school has the best potlucks. I picked the worst time to go on a sugar detox. Saying no to all those brownies, cakes, Popsicles, and I don't even know what else really sucked, but the day was good. Tomorrow is the real first day...my first class with the fourth grade as a Spanish teacher. I feel like I should buy a sombrero. All the Spanish teachers I had before college were kind of odd. There was one who nicknamed herself la bruja (the witch). She wore witches hats (not just on Halloween) and she kept a spray bottle that she would use to squirt kids who got caught speaking English. "Ingles es kaka!" she would scream. It was very disconcerting. I don't want to be all crazy, but I do want to be different....cool, the teacher that gets them interested and teaches them well.
but I am.
It seems like everything
will always be new
but newness fades,
gives way to familiarity
both comforting and
stifling
and here we are again
the reoccurring
dream
of
a
dream
of
a
dream
like two mirrors
facing one another
an infinity
of repetition
until....
nothing
new happens.
Okay so that was a pretty crappy impromptu poem...forgive me, I haven't been slamming and I have written any poetry since the beginning of summer so I am out of practice. I'm also tired, but a good tired. Today was the first day of school technically. There wasn't class, but at 3:00pm all the students and their families came to visit their classrooms. I was astounded to be able to see the actual hallway walls, which I haven't seen in weeks. The hallway has been a living storage closet of emergency preparedness supplies, text books, mystery furniture and broken file cabinets. And then miraculously it all went somewhere...and the classrooms and offices that just yesterday looked like poorly organized garage sales came together, clean, shiny, and with the inviting glow cast by new smart boards, new classroom computers and books, books, and more books. I love the beginning of school, when everything feels manageable. I'm ready, ahead in my planning even after creating my design for the year and finishing my monthly syllabus.
It was awesome to see the kids again. Some I know and some are new. The ones I know seem very excited to have me as a teacher. I keep wondering if they'll feel the same when they find out how hard I'm going to work them. :) I met a whole bunch of parents and lost two name tags before I gave up on trying to identify myself. Then there was an all school picnic. My school has the best potlucks. I picked the worst time to go on a sugar detox. Saying no to all those brownies, cakes, Popsicles, and I don't even know what else really sucked, but the day was good. Tomorrow is the real first day...my first class with the fourth grade as a Spanish teacher. I feel like I should buy a sombrero. All the Spanish teachers I had before college were kind of odd. There was one who nicknamed herself la bruja (the witch). She wore witches hats (not just on Halloween) and she kept a spray bottle that she would use to squirt kids who got caught speaking English. "Ingles es kaka!" she would scream. It was very disconcerting. I don't want to be all crazy, but I do want to be different....cool, the teacher that gets them interested and teaches them well.
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