Something Old, Something New, and Sucks to be Blue

Okay so I'm not getting married...at least not anytime soon. Though here's what is old, me being single. I have ceased being singlicious, which is a delicious state of voluntary solitude filled with flirtation and having lots of fun and have slipped into the doldrums of being single. What is the difference? Optimism.

Last weekend my Dad and I were watching that new CNN Black in America series and there was this segment where they basically talk about where all the black men are. I've heard it all before: 1/3 are in jail, then there are those who are gay or on the downlow, then there are those who die before 20, and then there are those who are committed to only dating white women, which leaves like 2 eligible bachelors and a million fabulously gorgeous and smart black women to compete with. And so the story goes. According to my church, which is admittedly a bit "woo woo", there is abundance in the universe and you can get what you want and I want to date black men...lots of them, fabulously gorgeous, tall, well traveled and educated black men. But apparently the universe doesn't include Seattle for whatever reason, because something is blocking me from my abundance.

Had dinner with Mz Blu and her boy toy dujour. He is a Seattle native and as such knows lots of people in the community, so we enlisted in him in my endeavour to get a list of dateable characters. By the time we went through his list, HE got all pouty and depressed and apologized to me on behalf of the city because he said I just wasn't going to find what I need. This put me in a really shitty mood. One of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me No. It just makes me want to wheel kick said person in the head...but this is not helpful. Meanwhile as September nears, I will be at the one year anniversary of my break up with the big round headed loser, which means that even with the dating half life rule (it takes 2 days to every 1 day you were with that person to get over them), I should thoroughly be over it by now.

So now what? Though I know Internet dating is all the rage, especially in this passive aggressive computer nerd filled community, I am just not that into it. You can't really read people over the computer. I want to see facial expressions. The other suggestion that has been made to me is that I exercise my options and date outside my race. Well FYI, I've done that with mixed results, and continue to do that. My only firm stipulation has been no more white guys, but I date across the brown through black spectrum from Shrilankan to Senegalese. So why no white guys? After a while I just got tired of having to explain basic things like prejudice and have them not understand...and then I also had several "guess who's coming to dinner moments" and that gets old very quickly.

So here's what's new. I made The List of what I want. It's 5 pages long, typed and single spaced...3 with revisions, so I won't print the whole thing here, but I am going to paraphrase. My major lesson for this summer has been you have to say what it is that you want. So here is what I am asking the universe for and if you see him, let me know.



I want a good brown to black man who is tall, thick, and hot like fire, preferable resembling the Rock. Someone who is really smart, believes in God, likes to (and can!)dance, likes to clean, is a good communicator in good health, with good hygiene and treats me like the goddess I am. He must be the truth, single, with no kids, but ready, able and willing to love me and be a good feminist partner, lover, husband, and father to my 1-2 kids (that we will have after a year engagement and a nice wedding on the beach in Bali). He should be well read, easy to chill with, funny, interesting, and good at ironing. Telling good stories, giving good massages, and singing to me would be a plus. I'm also partial to men who are independent, financially savvy and have something to teach me, but are also willing to learn from me. He has a good relationship with his family, a good work ethic, his own friends and ambitions and is an amazing lover. There's more, but that's the gist of it. Oh, and must be willing to travel and adventure with me. Holla.

The end of summer as I know it

I don't mind the break in heat, but watching the gray resettle where the sun has been and getting caught in a light drizzle reminds that summer is never really promised, especially not here. It snowed in late June and here it is barely the end of July and already getting cool. I'm trying not to care, but each cloud reminds me that my fabulous month and half staycation is rapidly coming to an end. On Friday, August 1st, I start my new job. Part of me is excited. I like teaching and I like my school community. I've spent my summer bumping into students and parents and future coworkers, and every experience has just reinforced the positive vibe I feel from the job.

The other part of me associates work with the dull mindnumbing irritation that was the job that sucked my soul...while I know things will be a million times better at the new job, I still can't quite shake the feeling of impending doom. I don't want to work. I want to win the power ball and spend the next month picking out a new home in Wallingford where I will sip mojitos from my second story porch hammock and make perfect omlettes at 2:00am with all the lights on and the music at a respectable level simply because I can. I want to be independently wealthy and learn to surf in Hawaii and visit places like Bora Bora and Martinique. I want to have vacation houses in Brazil and Bali and have a personal trainer who closely resembles the Rock...scratch that, I want the actual Rock to be my trainer...why should I skimp, it's my fantasy.

But my reality is lots of cool little kids and hopefully some time and structure to finally finish my first full novel. It's going to be great, I just have to let go. In the meantime, like the true procrastinator I am, I spent most of today reading through the thick packet of summer reading I recieved a month ago. Apparently as part of out professional development all us teachers have to read and subsquently discuss some articles on education.

So far, it's got me thinking. There was an article questioning if google is making us "stoopid" and one about morality, but thus far the most interesting article comes from the Journal of Educational Controversy. It's titled: Dispositions for Good Teaching by Gary R Howard. Since I made the decision to interview for this job I have been kind of stressed about it. I guess change, even good and totally long overdue change is kind of scary. It's silly. I know I am a good teacher, and I don't feel conceited saying that, I've worked hard to learn how to teach and I have a natural ability to connect with my students and get them to understand things. I've taught for two and a half years, not including this past year of subbing, but in the past I've always taught English.

Teaching Spanish was never in my plan. I mostly learned Spanish to chat up cute guys and make poetry out of swear words. I'm good at it. Though I tested into the lowest Spanish level when I first moved to Spain (I spent my junior year abroad there), by the second week, they were asking me to move up because there is something in my brain that just connects with communicating. I remember the panic I felt during my first few weeks. I was scared of getting laughed at, of not being understood or worse of not understanding, but I got through it and learned an impressive array of Cadiz street slang. I can still curse like a sailor and tell jokes. I can even explain how to play my favorite card games and how I like my mojitos made, but none of this can be taught to 4th and 5th graders. What am I doing? What if I am a disaster at teaching Spanish? I got through my demo lesson and my interviews and stuff, but I keep having these anxiety dreams where I can't remember how to say carrot and the kids keep asking me how to say things like ninja or hammer and I just can't remember and then they mutinee because I'm stupid.

Okay I think I'm digressing. I was starting to talk about this article I read in which Gary Howard examines two big questions: "First, what are the qualities of personhood that the adults in our nation's classrooms must embody to be worthy of teaching our richly diverse students? And second, how do we best prepare ourselves and our colleauges for this work?" The short answer is that I don't really know. My guess is that as long as you are smart and patient and don't mind fart jokes that teaching 4th and 5th grade should be okay, but I guess I just don't know how to prepare myself for another adventure into the unknown. So for lack of something better to do, I am reading and taking notes and thinking and taking long walks around greenlake and counting down the days until I actually have to have the answer to both those questions.

In the meantime I am also deciding what to do about my training. Several months ago, I wrote a proposal and received funding to attend a global learning seminar where I met with colleauges and worked on developing a training for faculty on best practices when taking diverse groups of students abroad for short term study abroad programs. Come September I will no longer be affiliated with the job that sucked my soul and therefore am not entirely obligated to follow through with the training. Quite frankly one of the reasons I chose to stay here this summer, as opposed to leading another trip abroad myself, is that I have felt burnt out and I needed time to recover. So now that it's all ending and the time for my training to come to fruition is near, I am still kind of numb. In my head I know that this is a unique opportunity to really walk the talk. It's cutting edge stuff in my field, but even more importantly it's a training that could potentially help better the experiences of the many students who will travel abroad through my ex-institution.

As I contemplate this decision, I think about Howard's questions. What does it take and how can the admin prepare you? This is essentially what my training would wrestle with only in a unique global learning context. Howard talks about how the teachers and the students' identities and dispositions create the context in which educational experiences are framed. Though I know I have all the peices to put together this puzzle...I have the experience, the book knowledge, the research, I still feel a bit daunted. What if my answers are wrong?

Hidden Beliefs

One of my big goals this year was to find a new spiritual home. I love the Episcopal church, but it just doesn't move me the way it used to, so I have been attending the Center for Spiritual Living (CSL). CSL is unlike any church I've ever been to. The messages really resonate with me. Though I always hear the truth in what is spoken,some of their ideas are a radical departure from how I was raised. It is taking me some time to wrap my mind around the basic principals of religious science, not because they are complicated...quite the contrary, religious science is so logical and the principals so basic, that sometimes I find myself struggling to overcome my disbelief that anything so meaningful could be so easy.

In order to learn more and also to see if I want to make CSL my spiritual home, I am taking the Beyond Limits class. For our first assignment we did an exercise where we uncovered our hidden beliefs by noticing our actions. I was actually kind of shocked by what I discovered. Shoshana always teases me that my word is truth. She says I am always very honest and push others to be honest with me...which is true, I don't appreciate lies and deceit, and I do always try to think from my heart. But in examining what I actually do or how I actually feel as a opposed to what I think I believe, I've found some descrepencies.

I started class last week, the day after I met Terry Mc Bride, so in addition to my homework I spent my week reading Terry's book "The Hell I Can't". This book really helped me, not because it was a sunshine rainbow "woo woo" book about how Terry's faith healed him and changed his life, but because it was a gritty real book that resonated much more with my experiences with illness. Thankfully I have never been as ill as Terry, but I did spend a miserable year at home with mono. That was the year I got strep throat three time, bronchitis twice, a cold, the flu, and an ear infection. I couldn't go to school. Did I mention I was depressed? I did not feel at choice. I felt awful. I just didn't want to hurt anymore, but the more I dwelled on being sick, the worse it became. Terry's story was intense. His spine was infected with E coli bacteria and he ended up having 27 surgeries a colostomy bag, before he was able to get well. That lasted 11 YEARS! 11 YEARS! During that time he had all these doctors telling him he would never be healthy and that it was unreasonable for him to expect to get through this experience physically whole.

Though the illness is a salient part of the book, the over arching theme is how to be at choice. It's the story of how Terry was able to change his beliefs that illness would always be a part of his life, and that his doctors had full authority and control over his healing. It wasn't easy. It always sounds so easy when they say it during worship. You are what you think, so think well...choose your life, manifest what you want and watch it show up. Some things are easy. After creating my vision board just a few months ago, many wonderful components of my vision have magically appeared from completing my book of poetry and finding a publisher to having the opportunity to share my art, but these things were easy to believe in. I have been writing for years and I've always received positive feedback. This has given me the belief that what I write has value and that if I work on it can be excellent. I wasn't given the same feedback about my art. In fact I never liked any of my art teachers in school, but I so fell in love with the creative process that whether or not I was any good ceased to be important. It was just something I loved to do, but when I started seeing a shift in painting, I self validated. I liked it and therefore I could believe that others would like it too and that it would be professional enough to be shown.

But what about the beliefs that are harder to change? For example, I was born 4lbs 11 oz, about a month premature. Mom was a smoker then (She just didn't know any better. No one did at the time.) and as such it was expected that I would be prone to illness. And so it was that during my childhood I was sick every winter. My Dad used to joke that you couldn't take me to the corner without me getting sick. That became one of my beliefs...that I am prone to illness. Within the last few years, my belief has shifted to be that as an adult I am less prone to illness. I don't even suffer from asthma anymore. But I still believe that illness exist and can effect me. How can I change this belief in something that is scientifically proven? Terry had the same problem...while surround constantly by evidence of the severe illness plaguing his body, he wasn't able to just wake up one day and be at total choice. I'm sure if he could have, he would have just shifted his beliefs instantly and woken up whole and healed, but instead he made a plan for gradual healing which included modern medicine...something he also believed in. It worked for him, but what will work for me? How can I heal myself of my negative beliefs? And once that happens, will I really be able to manifest the parts of my vision that have eluded me? Still trying to figure it all out.

A week with Lojo

I finally got my computer back all shiny and healed. The staycation continues and I am actually kind of floored at how quickly time is going and how much I do on a daily basis. Mz. Blu teases that I wouldn't really have time to work given my schedule. Lojo has come and gone. Our week together was very special.

Lojo and I met when I was in the 6th grade and she was in the 5th. She was the next door neighbor and close friend to my best friend at the time. In the beginning I didn't know what to think of her. My friend was always telling me how crazy and funny she was, but when we would hang out, she was mostly quiet and sometimes just moody, but I pursued her friendship anyway. I'm glad I did. We've definitely had our ups and downs, including a fight where we literally did not speak to one another for 2 years, but surprisingly we seem to have ended up on similar paths. When I was back in Wisconsin a few months ago, we reconnected and she just seemed like a new person to me. It's like she had come out of a funk. Any residual tension we had between us had disappeared and I could see her more clearly than ever before.

Lojo arrived just as Coco was headed to Napa, on the eve of my big art show. Our first stop in town was Madame Lazonga's tattoo parlor. She wanted to get a tattoo she had designed, but that didn't work out, so we got sandwiches from the cute deli next door then when back to my place to chill out and chat. After a nap we got all dolled up and went to run a few errands. Then it was on to the show. It's kind of awkward displaying my art outside of my home. It's different when someone comes over and they happen to notice the art, but totally different when they are coming specifically to look at it. I kind of held my breath, unsure of if I was ready to have my art judged, but Lojo or anyone, but everyone was positive. So we snacked and had wine. Friends and stranger came and went and when it was over Mz. Blu, Lojo, Kerry and I went out for a celebratory drink at the Seasound Lounge.

The rest of the week was jam packed. Thursday we went shopping and took a walk around Greenlake. Then Paren and Kerry invited us out to a pool party with a bunch of their friends. Paren and Kerry both row crew and as such almost all of their friends are insanely sporty. The party was fun. We had BBQ and sangria, then we played a brutal game of water basketball, girls against guys (we won) that left Lojo with an open wound on her knee and several scratches. After the pool party we went to samba night at Babalu's with Shewhodancesallthetime. The music was great, there was no cover, but the drinks there are mediocre if you're lucky. Friday, to celebrate the 4th, Taus, Lojo, and Stewy's new girl took the ferry out to Bainbridge then drove to Port Townsend for a family BBQ at Stewy's.

I met Stewy's family briefly at his and Shoshana's graduation (when they were still together), but I'd never been out to their house. It is a gorgeous wooden creation perched on the hillside above the beach with a long narrow staircase leading down to the water's edge and a cedar sauna Stewy's dad built. In fact his Dad built the whole house and they lived in a yurt of sorts for years while the house was under construction. In addition to the general celebration of our country's independence, we toasted and had a special ceremony to celebrate not only the completion of the house, but that they finally owned everything free and clear. It was really cool.

During our visit, Lojo and I both did things we'd never done before. Stewy took us down to the beach with shovels and buckets and taught us how to pick oysters and dig for clams. I picked dried sand dollars and shells to take home. Then Stewy introduced me to a real live sand dollar. They are black, which surprised me because I'd only seen them white and dried out, and they are covered in a kind of fine hair...or tentacles I guess. It kind of creeped me out. Then I had a moment of realization. Once I saw what they look like, I realized I was standing on a sand dollar breeding ground. Live sand dollars were everywhere! After a short freak out (I mean it's one of those things I wish I didn't know), we continued on down the beach spotting mini crabs and collecting our contribution to dinner. Dinner was amazing. We had fresh crab, clams, oysters, barbecued ribs-pork and beef, salad and strawberries from the garden, and an assortment of desserts. Afterwards we were all in food coma, so we took naps on the couch. I awoke looking out the big picture window at the flurry of hummingbirds. Lojo took lots of pictures, then we went down to the sauna. The night ended with s'mores, firing off a homemade potato cannon and a wide variety of fireworks.

I really enjoyed Stewy's family and also meeting his co-workers and family friends. Though my loyalty is always to Shoshana (she IS my girl)...I found myself really enjoying the new girl as well. I think they are a good match. She's got a good sense of humor and she likes to do all that outdoor-climb a mountain, camp in a kayak-crap that Stewy and all the other Northwesterners seems to love. The next day we ferried back to Seattle after a leisurely breakfast. We did some more shopping and napping, then we went to Hidmo (my favorite Eritrean restaurant) for Ladies First...a monthly local hip hop and spoken word show benefiting Communities Against Rape and Abuse (C.A.R.A) and showcasing a hot array of female talent. Akua and Monie Love featured (Akua on violin and Monie Love doing spoken word) and there was an open mike. I read a piece and so did Mz. Blu, but then I had to go grab Coco from the airport. This took longer than I thought, so instead of returning to Hidmo we went back to my place. She hadn't eaten yet so I made her some dinner and checked out picks from Napa. It was nice to hang. Mz. Blue and Lojo showed up later and we all took turns hula hooping.

The next day we went to CSL, which has been on my mind almost constantly this month. I really do think I've found my spiritual home (more on this later). Instead of the regular person, we had a guest sermon from a guy named Terry McBride. I'm not sure I can really convey the kind of intensity he brings to the mic. I had no idea what to expect, but when he started to speak, I was stunned.

When Terry was 23, he injured his back doing some manual labor. After lots of chiropractic care, he still wasn't feeling better, so the he had surgery. As it turned out, that was the first of 27 surgeries he would have over the course of 11 years. After the first surgery, his spine somehow became infected with E coli bacteria which proceeded to eat his colon. He had to have a colostomy bag and they did all these surgeries that literally involved removing chunks out of his back to rid him of the infection, but nothing seemed to help. At one point all his doctors said that he would never be whole and that if they continued these aggressive surgeries, they would probably end up damaging his nerves which would leave him paralyzed and impotent for the rest of his life. He told those doctors to go to hell....and even cooler, he told us he told those doctors to go to hell in church. I come from a church where you don't really say "bad" words and I always feel like a bit of a hypocrite, like there is a less holy part of myself that isn't church worthy. Not to say that I don't understand that you would have to act differently in different venues (example: I would never swear in front of my students), but I don't like feeling fake at church. I digress. Terry learned how to heal himself and then he wrote a book called "The Hell I Can't" which I promptly bought two copies of, one for me and one for my Dad.(I finished reading it two days ago, and I'm still thinking about it.) Listening to Terry was a very cool experience for me and for Lojo. Afterwards we had breakfast at Julia's then we shopped some more and chilled out for a bit.

Stewy's new girl 's brother (I will come up with a better name for her soon) is a bartender at my Dad's favorite spot, Elliot's and they have a decent happy hour. So Sunday evening Coco, Lojo, Stewy, new girl, Taus and I had mango mojitos and seared aji. Lojo absolutely loved it...which shocked me because as long as I've known her she hasn't been a fan of seafood, I guess that's what Wisconsin will do to you. After happy hour we went to Stewy's and played apple to apples forever.

Monday we did the Pike street market and returned for a full lunch at Elliot's then I had my first Beyond Limits Class at CSL (more on this later). Tuesday I don't remember what we did except that we ended the evening with Mz. Blu at the Lofi for Don't Bite...more local hip hop, excellent DJs, and the occasional hot break dancer. I love the Lofi and I'm going to work on getting my art shown there. And all too soon it was Wednesday and we were taking last pics and then she was one the way to the airport.

All throughout the trip, I feel like I really got to know the new Lojo. This Lojo likes to draw. She is quiet and thoughtful...still crazy, but not like before. She reads a lot, which was nice because I have been reading a lot again lately too, so it was nice to have someone with whom I could spend quiet time. She and I are both on the verge, doing that late 20's "what should I do with my life" thing, but also discovering new ideas about what we might want to do. Well, whatever we decide, we will be there to help each other through. Again, I'm really grateful for my friends.

My Art Show

For the next two weeks I won't be blogging much because my computer is in the shop, but this morning I am in Port Townsend with Stewy and family....so here is my 15 minutes before we have to head back to Seattle.

Lojo, one of my best friends since the 6th grade is visiting for the week, and Coco is in Napa, so Wednesday morning I woke up early. Mz. Blu, not trusting me to hang my own paintings straight, accompanied me to Alliance Chiropractic for technical support. And then it was all happening. My art was up accompanied by the professional looking foam tags, courtesy of Perren my favorite french artist and husband to Kerry, my favorite union organizer, ex-roomate, and good friend. It looked so cool, but I didn't have lots of time to chill because I had to drive Coco to the airport and pick up Lojo. Afterwards Lojo and I ran some more errands and took a nap. Then we got all dolled up and headed back for the show.

It was so strange walking into my chiropractor and seeing my art on the walls. Thus far my art has lived solely at my space, so it kind of felt like coming home. Except I felt nervous. When I'm at home and people come by and make comments about my art, it's not that big of a deal, but putting it out there in the public is a whole different feeling.

My Taekwondo Dojang's photographer was the first to show up. He took some great shots, which I will post when I can. Dr. V put out some nice wine and cheese and then Lojo and I sat down to wait for people. It was a strange thing, waiting for people and then when they began to come I knew them all...but I guess that makes sense. This whole thing turned into a community show. Uncle Megabooty, girlfriend to one of my best friends provided some great soul tunes, Perran had done my tags, Kerry had helped me with pricing, and Mz. Blu had rigged wires on the back of every painting in addition to buying a level to make sure the paintings were hung correctly. I couldn't have done it without them. So I sat surrounded by my community, snacking and joking and waiting for outside people. It got rainy so foot traffic was light, but a few strangers did come. No one has bought anything yet, but I did get a lot of positive feedback. More importantly I tried something new. It's been a year of firsts. And this was a great one.