The Ghost of Ex-Boyfriend's Past

I never thought this would happen to me. Truly, I am disturbed and surprised on multiple levels, but for the last week, my biological clock has started ticking. There is this foreign little voice in my head that is saying MATE FOR LIFE, look at that baby, what are you doing, you could be making little people , whereas before it was more like have another mojito and get on a plane to Brazil, date, but don't get trapped, that guy is cute, but gotta keep it moving. Imagine my dismay.

So in the midst of this life altering randomness, I have been visited by the ghost of ex-boyfriends past. What is it about dating someone new that inspires the old to come out of the woodwork? Whenever I meet a cute boy, suddenly all my exes start popping up. It's like vampires at a coffin convention...and me without garlic and a stake.

My first visit came on facebook from a dude I'd neither seen or heard from since 2003... "Hi, I miss you. What have you been up to?" Really? Then when I returned from Ghana, as soon as I turned my phone back on I had a text message from the crazy Gemini...who doesn't exactly count as a boyfriend, but don't tell him that, he seems to think otherwise. And then the icing on the cake, was a message I received from the Big Round headed Loser. He asked his other ex girlfriend (who is actually a good friend of mine....we didn't meet until we were both exes) to wish me a Happy B-day. I repeat, my ex asked his ex to deliver a message to me...which is just so wrong in so many ways. Yes, I know he doesn't have my number or know where I live...so arguably it would be difficult for him to get in contact with me...but that was the point. Right. My last words to this dude were "I hate you. I regret ever knowing you. I am erasing your number right now and I will never talk to you again. Don't call me." Was I unclear?

Okay, so I am taking these events as a sign, a test of sorts. It is clear to me that at some point I would like to get married and have kids, and that this side of 30, that might be a sooner than later type of thing, so perhaps these exes are popping up as an experiential lesson in forgiveness, what not to do again, and letting go.

Step one forgive. The first two exes on the list...well I had almost forgotten that we even dated, so that in of itself says we're good on forgiveness, but the Big Round Headed Loser....that's another story. I did some forgiveness work around the time when we broke up. I started by burning his picture, then Mz. Blu and I broke a lot of glass bottles (which I recommend, it's very healing). And then I moved into prayer. I meditated. I blessed him. I wished him well, then I let it go....okay, I thought I let it go, but whenever he pops up I still get annoyed, which to me says maybe there is more left to do.

But how do you get rid of someone you've already gotten rid of? Me and the Big Round headed Loser don't talk. I don't see him around. We never did really run in the same circles. So I decided to go visit my local reike healer. And apparently there were still a lot of energetic chords binding us together. This is all new to me. Energy work and chords and whatnot weren't covered in the curriculum in Madison West High, nor subsequently in college or grad school. Once I learned about our connecting chords, my instinct was the sever them immediately, but my healer suggested we work first on trying to diminish them and so we did this mediation where we shrunk the chords and as they got smaller, even as I was thinking to myself...what the hell is a chord, I mean what is it made of, do I even believe in this....I found myself suddenly sobbing. All the feelings I thought I'd left behind, the sadness, the missing our friendship, the grief of what could have been came flooding back to me and I was overwhelmed.

I loved this person. I loved him and he loved me and we still couldn't make it work. And that's okay. We were friends and now I avoid him because every time I look at him I remember one more missed opportunity. I don't want him back, but I don't hate him either. I just want to move on. And now I think I might be able to...